I'm sorry I haven't been posting the last couple of days. It was a long week, trying to get used to working everyday again with a cold. Plus, I haven't found a new routine yet. I got used to posting after the baby went to bed so that I would have some time to write without wrestling her away from the computer over and over again.
Now that my husband is home, the time after she goes to bed is our time to relax. This week has been big changes for all of us. The new puppy requires a lot of attention. He is into everything, thinks the carpet is just more convenient grass, and chews everything! The baby is climbing and exploring the house like a maniac. Chad and I feel like we're chasing either the puppy or the baby from the time we get home until we go to bed.
Reintegrating is hard at any point, but adding a very curious toddler and puppy makes things more challenging. We're both tired and sick, trying very hard to be gracious to each other. We've done a pretty good job of getting along, sharing chores, but getting close again takes much more work.
Just like R&R, we finally needed to get wiped out and a bit frustrated with trying to get along before we were able to quit being polite and cordial and get to the real emotions. It is really hard to watch my husband get emotional, but in some ways, it was great to see him finally break down and talk to me, tell me how hard it is to come home and feel like you don't know how to live in your own home anymore.
He says the more he's been gone, the harder it gets to come back. He feels guilty for being here while there are guys still over there. He took out the new guys for a couple of nights. Chad says they weren't very well prepared or trained. He ended up chasing down bad guys with only his pistol the last night he was in country. Last night, we sat on our patio in the warm summer wind, sipping on glasses of wine, and he felt guilty for being safe at home while there were guys over there in danger, struggling with fear, and he could be helping them.
It is hard for me to hear that he doesn't feel like he has done his share. It was really hard for me to hear that he is really having a hard time being home. He says when people say, "Welcome Home" or "Thank you for your service" or "You're a hero," he feels guilty for not being better at coming home, for feeling angry that they don't really understand how hard it is for him to come home. Even people close to him, don't understand the issues he faces with coming back, rejoining our lives together and feeling at home.
You'd think that you'd judge a successful reintegration by a lack of discord, but he was doing his best to just jump back into our life and routines without any discord, but was keeping his feelings locked up, maintaining an emotional barrier between us. It took getting upset for him to let out how he was really feeling. He feels like he half remembers how to live in a normal house. He struggles with sleeping in our bed because it isn't a tiny cot with a thin failing mattress. Driving close to other vehicles makes him feel panicky. He was scared our daughter wouldn't know him or want to be around him, and that he might struggle knowing how to take care of her.
Our reintegration has been pretty smooth, but there are a lot of things that living here at home, in the states we take for granted, like answering text messages or keeping house with a woman instead of 100 guys, like talking about what you're doing, or plans for the day. I'm just glad he started telling me how hard it is for him to get back to feeling normal, how guilty he feels, how emotional it is just to be home alive.
He didn't think that he was going to live through this deployment. He worried that he had pushed his luck by surviving three deployments already. Frankly, I was afraid too. He spent everyday being afraid that he wouldn't make it home to us. Now, that he's home, he has to get used to the realities of living at home instead of the idealized version of home he kept in his head and heart through the scariest times of the year.
We are really doing ok, but no matter how hard you try to avoid the issues or prepare for the emotions of reintegration, it isn't avoiding the conflicts that makes the reintegration go smoothly, it is surviving them together, being able to smile at each other and say "I love you" and mean it everyday. Our marriage may not be perfect, but we're pretty darn close and still very much in love. It will take months of being together to really feel normal again, but we're already pretty close to good again.
Now that my husband is home, the time after she goes to bed is our time to relax. This week has been big changes for all of us. The new puppy requires a lot of attention. He is into everything, thinks the carpet is just more convenient grass, and chews everything! The baby is climbing and exploring the house like a maniac. Chad and I feel like we're chasing either the puppy or the baby from the time we get home until we go to bed.
Reintegrating is hard at any point, but adding a very curious toddler and puppy makes things more challenging. We're both tired and sick, trying very hard to be gracious to each other. We've done a pretty good job of getting along, sharing chores, but getting close again takes much more work.
Just like R&R, we finally needed to get wiped out and a bit frustrated with trying to get along before we were able to quit being polite and cordial and get to the real emotions. It is really hard to watch my husband get emotional, but in some ways, it was great to see him finally break down and talk to me, tell me how hard it is to come home and feel like you don't know how to live in your own home anymore.
He says the more he's been gone, the harder it gets to come back. He feels guilty for being here while there are guys still over there. He took out the new guys for a couple of nights. Chad says they weren't very well prepared or trained. He ended up chasing down bad guys with only his pistol the last night he was in country. Last night, we sat on our patio in the warm summer wind, sipping on glasses of wine, and he felt guilty for being safe at home while there were guys over there in danger, struggling with fear, and he could be helping them.
It is hard for me to hear that he doesn't feel like he has done his share. It was really hard for me to hear that he is really having a hard time being home. He says when people say, "Welcome Home" or "Thank you for your service" or "You're a hero," he feels guilty for not being better at coming home, for feeling angry that they don't really understand how hard it is for him to come home. Even people close to him, don't understand the issues he faces with coming back, rejoining our lives together and feeling at home.
You'd think that you'd judge a successful reintegration by a lack of discord, but he was doing his best to just jump back into our life and routines without any discord, but was keeping his feelings locked up, maintaining an emotional barrier between us. It took getting upset for him to let out how he was really feeling. He feels like he half remembers how to live in a normal house. He struggles with sleeping in our bed because it isn't a tiny cot with a thin failing mattress. Driving close to other vehicles makes him feel panicky. He was scared our daughter wouldn't know him or want to be around him, and that he might struggle knowing how to take care of her.
Our reintegration has been pretty smooth, but there are a lot of things that living here at home, in the states we take for granted, like answering text messages or keeping house with a woman instead of 100 guys, like talking about what you're doing, or plans for the day. I'm just glad he started telling me how hard it is for him to get back to feeling normal, how guilty he feels, how emotional it is just to be home alive.
He didn't think that he was going to live through this deployment. He worried that he had pushed his luck by surviving three deployments already. Frankly, I was afraid too. He spent everyday being afraid that he wouldn't make it home to us. Now, that he's home, he has to get used to the realities of living at home instead of the idealized version of home he kept in his head and heart through the scariest times of the year.
We are really doing ok, but no matter how hard you try to avoid the issues or prepare for the emotions of reintegration, it isn't avoiding the conflicts that makes the reintegration go smoothly, it is surviving them together, being able to smile at each other and say "I love you" and mean it everyday. Our marriage may not be perfect, but we're pretty darn close and still very much in love. It will take months of being together to really feel normal again, but we're already pretty close to good again.
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