Thursday night I went to bed after getting an email from my husband that he finally had leave dates. He was going to get home just in time for my spring break and probably surgery. It was exactly what we had been hoping for. Friday morning, I got a phone call from my sister-in-law that Chad's father had passed away. We spent most of the day trying to get ahold of Chad and figure out how to get him home for the memorial service. Luckily, the army is going to work something out so that he can take his emergency leave and R&R together, but it may be a bit of a juggling act to make sure he can stay long enough to be here for my thyroid surgery.
Chad's dad has suffered from renal problems for the past several years. He took a significant turn for the worse just after Christmas and has been hospitalized for the past couple of months. We were planning on taking a trip to see him over Chad's leave. It was heartbreaking for Chad to not have this last chance to say good-bye.
The last few years have been pretty tough on his relationship with his father. His dad had a traumatic brain injury when Chad was 13 or so which had some personality effects, then his genetic predisposition to some mental issues kicked in and the kidney issues exacerbated his mental state issues. It was the trifecta of confusion. His dad remembered things incorrectly, changed stories in his head, started saying and doing things that were not socially acceptable.
It was really hard to separate the person his dad was and the person he had become. We all struggled with being around him. Somehow even the simplest conversations seemed to get twisted and confused. But it wasn't something he could help. Perhaps he might have been able to get medication for some of his symptoms of depression, but the mental illness would have only gotten worse eventually anyway.
Chad's sister made the ultimate sacrifice and moved from home in central Illinois to south Texas to be with her father, to at first just help him stay organized and eventually was helping him walk from room to room, get to dialysis three times a week, pay bills, doing his shopping and errands. She took time to run to each different grocery store to get her father's preferred brands and tolerated his confusion day after day with little help from the rest of her dad's family. She was graciously able to love him even when his actions didn't seem like love.
In any case, I am filled with regret that I didn't push Chad more to visit his dad, offer him more freedom to do so or something. Mort wasn't the easiest father-in-law to love. He was sometimes very unPC and sometimes mean. He was always the most opinionated person in the room, which is tough in this family. But he was Chad's father and was gut-busting proud of the man his son had become. The last conversation I had with him he told me how proud he was of the mother I try to be to his grandsons when they are in my home and the mother I am to Lil Bit. He told me how happy he was that I was in his son's life. I sent him a photo album for his birthday of family photos from the past few years with captions next to each picture so that as his memory faded, he would be able to read where, when and who was in the picture and know that he was loved even when we couldn't be there. He loved that gift. It was such a small thing. He was so grateful for it. I am glad I did that for him, but wish I had been less selfish and done more. I could have called him more often, sent him letters and pictures.
I got caught up in surviving this deployment and now it is too late. I hope he knows that we did love him, that his son and grandsons and his devoted daughter are going to miss him, that I am sad Lil Bit won't remember him and will only know him from the stories we tell. At least he got to hold her once and was able to know how happy we were with our new addition.
Dad, we will miss you. I will pray this week to have the strength and patience I need to be there for my husband while he mourns the loss of his father. I know how hard it must be for him to feel like he wasn't there enough, even though he knows the army life didn't allow him to take the kind of role in his father's care he would have liked. I can't know how this feels, but I can make sure that my husband feels free to feel whatever he needs to and doesn't have to worry about anyone else. If that is all I can do to honor my father-in-law, then I will make sure I honor him by loving his son the best I can.
Chad's dad has suffered from renal problems for the past several years. He took a significant turn for the worse just after Christmas and has been hospitalized for the past couple of months. We were planning on taking a trip to see him over Chad's leave. It was heartbreaking for Chad to not have this last chance to say good-bye.
The last few years have been pretty tough on his relationship with his father. His dad had a traumatic brain injury when Chad was 13 or so which had some personality effects, then his genetic predisposition to some mental issues kicked in and the kidney issues exacerbated his mental state issues. It was the trifecta of confusion. His dad remembered things incorrectly, changed stories in his head, started saying and doing things that were not socially acceptable.
It was really hard to separate the person his dad was and the person he had become. We all struggled with being around him. Somehow even the simplest conversations seemed to get twisted and confused. But it wasn't something he could help. Perhaps he might have been able to get medication for some of his symptoms of depression, but the mental illness would have only gotten worse eventually anyway.
Chad's sister made the ultimate sacrifice and moved from home in central Illinois to south Texas to be with her father, to at first just help him stay organized and eventually was helping him walk from room to room, get to dialysis three times a week, pay bills, doing his shopping and errands. She took time to run to each different grocery store to get her father's preferred brands and tolerated his confusion day after day with little help from the rest of her dad's family. She was graciously able to love him even when his actions didn't seem like love.
In any case, I am filled with regret that I didn't push Chad more to visit his dad, offer him more freedom to do so or something. Mort wasn't the easiest father-in-law to love. He was sometimes very unPC and sometimes mean. He was always the most opinionated person in the room, which is tough in this family. But he was Chad's father and was gut-busting proud of the man his son had become. The last conversation I had with him he told me how proud he was of the mother I try to be to his grandsons when they are in my home and the mother I am to Lil Bit. He told me how happy he was that I was in his son's life. I sent him a photo album for his birthday of family photos from the past few years with captions next to each picture so that as his memory faded, he would be able to read where, when and who was in the picture and know that he was loved even when we couldn't be there. He loved that gift. It was such a small thing. He was so grateful for it. I am glad I did that for him, but wish I had been less selfish and done more. I could have called him more often, sent him letters and pictures.
I got caught up in surviving this deployment and now it is too late. I hope he knows that we did love him, that his son and grandsons and his devoted daughter are going to miss him, that I am sad Lil Bit won't remember him and will only know him from the stories we tell. At least he got to hold her once and was able to know how happy we were with our new addition.
Dad, we will miss you. I will pray this week to have the strength and patience I need to be there for my husband while he mourns the loss of his father. I know how hard it must be for him to feel like he wasn't there enough, even though he knows the army life didn't allow him to take the kind of role in his father's care he would have liked. I can't know how this feels, but I can make sure that my husband feels free to feel whatever he needs to and doesn't have to worry about anyone else. If that is all I can do to honor my father-in-law, then I will make sure I honor him by loving his son the best I can.
I'm glad you get to see Chad today/soon, just sorry it has to be like this. It is bittersweet I'm sure. Enjoy your time and eat it up! ;)
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