During previous deployments, the year was a year I got to focus on me. I worked out like crazy, dieted, ran, wrote, socialized, made new friends. This deployment has been very different. Many of the changes would have changed with or without the deployment because this year my focus is on my family.
Many TV sitcoms portray marriage as the death of all premarital friendships. They hype and hyperbole the situation to death, but it is funny because it contains a grain of truth. While not a consistent fact, in many cases those friendships change or are diminished especially if the friend is single. Being married is such a commitment that it forces a different focus. A marriage is a living breathing creature that needs a different nourishment than any other relationship and thus often draws people away from their single friends who don't understand or may mock the new responsibilities. It isn't deliberate, but I didn't go out as often, and if I did it was as a couple more often than not. While now most of my friends are married or engaged, it took a few years for some of those single, "party" friends to really drop into the background.
Such is life as a new parent as well. For one, as a single mom, even temporarily, I don't have someone to quickly watch her if I want to see a movie or have a girls' night out. My current friends are mostly childless or have spouses to watch the children so it is logistically easier for them to go out. Secondly, as this year has gone for me with being sick almost all the time (yay! daycare germs), I am too tired to go out and any night I do have energy, I have such a litany of tasks than need doing that I can't really justify going out.
And my beautiful daughter, whom I never thought I would have, is my heart. I spend 9 hours a day away from her, dropping her off around 7:45 to pick her up at 4:45. Of the hours left before I put her to bed, how many do I want to spend away from her or want her to spend away from me? I know she can't be my entire life and I need to take time for myself, but I don't remember my parents going out very often when I was little. I remember more babysitters as we got older, but my parents were home when we got home. We ate dinner together. We talked about our days. We played games and watched TV as a family. If we couldn't watch it as a family, my parents didn't watch it until after we went to bed. Oh, the forbidden fruit of Fantasy Island and Love Boat! My parents may not have had the recipe perfect, but they focused on our family, not just us kids, but our family.
I miss adult conversation sometimes. I miss just hanging out with friends. I do feel a little left out sometimes, but I want my friends to know that my home with my Lil Bit is where I am. If they want me, then come on over. I am playing on the floor with my little girl.
As I was married and then single again, I got used to being single and carefree. I had spent six years being a mom and all of a sudden had no one to worry about but me again. After I went through the grief, it was nice being able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, and when my husband deploys I get to let go of a lot of the stresses of married life such as balancing his needs and wants, organizing schedules taking into account his sons and extended family, my extended family, etc.
This time though, it isn't just me. I have this little person who needs my best attention not the scraps left from my day. I have a precious Lil Bit who lights up when she sees me and giggles when we play. How could I not race to her and gobble up every second of the evening with her. She needs routine and schedule to help her make sense of the world. One tiny change in our day is monumental for her. If I go out to dinner, it changes her evening. She eats earlier or later or doesn't get the nap she is used to or misses out on an extra bath night, or won't go to bed, as she cries from her crib now because she had an extra seven p.m. nap because she is still out of whack from being sick.
I don't have to put her first all the time. I have to take care of myself so I can take care of her, but right now taking care of her is what I need. I finally have this beautiful baby I waited so long for. I don't want to miss a minute. I don't have to put her needs above mine forever, but for awhile my focus has to be on my family.
Many TV sitcoms portray marriage as the death of all premarital friendships. They hype and hyperbole the situation to death, but it is funny because it contains a grain of truth. While not a consistent fact, in many cases those friendships change or are diminished especially if the friend is single. Being married is such a commitment that it forces a different focus. A marriage is a living breathing creature that needs a different nourishment than any other relationship and thus often draws people away from their single friends who don't understand or may mock the new responsibilities. It isn't deliberate, but I didn't go out as often, and if I did it was as a couple more often than not. While now most of my friends are married or engaged, it took a few years for some of those single, "party" friends to really drop into the background.
Such is life as a new parent as well. For one, as a single mom, even temporarily, I don't have someone to quickly watch her if I want to see a movie or have a girls' night out. My current friends are mostly childless or have spouses to watch the children so it is logistically easier for them to go out. Secondly, as this year has gone for me with being sick almost all the time (yay! daycare germs), I am too tired to go out and any night I do have energy, I have such a litany of tasks than need doing that I can't really justify going out.
And my beautiful daughter, whom I never thought I would have, is my heart. I spend 9 hours a day away from her, dropping her off around 7:45 to pick her up at 4:45. Of the hours left before I put her to bed, how many do I want to spend away from her or want her to spend away from me? I know she can't be my entire life and I need to take time for myself, but I don't remember my parents going out very often when I was little. I remember more babysitters as we got older, but my parents were home when we got home. We ate dinner together. We talked about our days. We played games and watched TV as a family. If we couldn't watch it as a family, my parents didn't watch it until after we went to bed. Oh, the forbidden fruit of Fantasy Island and Love Boat! My parents may not have had the recipe perfect, but they focused on our family, not just us kids, but our family.
I miss adult conversation sometimes. I miss just hanging out with friends. I do feel a little left out sometimes, but I want my friends to know that my home with my Lil Bit is where I am. If they want me, then come on over. I am playing on the floor with my little girl.
As I was married and then single again, I got used to being single and carefree. I had spent six years being a mom and all of a sudden had no one to worry about but me again. After I went through the grief, it was nice being able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, and when my husband deploys I get to let go of a lot of the stresses of married life such as balancing his needs and wants, organizing schedules taking into account his sons and extended family, my extended family, etc.
This time though, it isn't just me. I have this little person who needs my best attention not the scraps left from my day. I have a precious Lil Bit who lights up when she sees me and giggles when we play. How could I not race to her and gobble up every second of the evening with her. She needs routine and schedule to help her make sense of the world. One tiny change in our day is monumental for her. If I go out to dinner, it changes her evening. She eats earlier or later or doesn't get the nap she is used to or misses out on an extra bath night, or won't go to bed, as she cries from her crib now because she had an extra seven p.m. nap because she is still out of whack from being sick.
I don't have to put her first all the time. I have to take care of myself so I can take care of her, but right now taking care of her is what I need. I finally have this beautiful baby I waited so long for. I don't want to miss a minute. I don't have to put her needs above mine forever, but for awhile my focus has to be on my family.
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