Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Day 182: Anxious

As R&R draws closer, many military wives start feeling a little anxious. R&R is the only two weeks in which we get to spend time with our spouses for an entire year. There is a lot of pressure to make those two weeks amazing.

We also get a little nervous about seeing each other for the first time in so long. I don't care how many times we've been separated each reunion is fraught with nerves about how it will go. When will he know for sure what plane he is on? Where will I pick him up? Will it be weird to see each other? Will he care how clean the house is? how much weight I've gained, lost, or didn't lose?

One of the worries that seems pretty universal but no one really admits is sharing space again. Over the deployment, wives lay claim to the space in the house, reorganize, spread out. Having the freedom to do that is one of the things that makes a deployment bearable. I can't spend the year looking at empty spaces where he should be. It makes his absence too present. I don't erase him from the house, but I use his side of the bed, spread out my things across the headboard shelf. I move things I don't use to the back of the cabinets and leave things out I use daily.

When he comes home, sharing can be a source of a lot of conflict. He drops his C-bag and things start taking up room again. He has every right to have room in his own home, but it is a disruption in the daily habits that you've established while he was gone. He has to understand that he is coming home to a household that has been running in his absence and will have to keep going when he leaves again after two short weeks. She has to understand that he needs to feel at home for those weeks, welcomed and relaxed, so that he can rest and recuperate to be prepared to return.

For me, my biggest concern is sleep. I don't sleep well. My sleep is generally not restful and I am tired a lot. Maybe I am just getting old, maybe my breathing is a problem. When Chad comes home, it is going to be hard for me to share the bed. I have been used to tossing and turning as I need to. When sharing the bed, I tend to be more conscious of disturbing him so I stay pretty immobile and wake with tingling arms. It is just one of the many adjustments to our household R&R will bring. We will have the boys over R&R as well, so the house is going to go from pretty calm and quiet to wild and crazy.

It is quite an adjustment for me who has become accustomed to quiet. Once I get used to the noise and activity, I enjoy it, but when it is for such a short spurt, it is just a big change. And that is the key, being open to the change. This life of a military wife is all about change, change in plans, R&R dates, schools, posts, deployments. While it is something I have had to work very hard at, being able to roll with the punches is the only way to survive the army.

There is no magic pill to creating an idyllic, peaceful, perfect marriage. It takes a lot of hard work, compromise and forgiveness to have a marriage that works, never mind perfect. All the coming together and separating makes for a crazy relationship with more stressors than most couples ever face. The key to being able to handle those challenges is to communicate clearly, early and often and for each person to be more selfless than selfish. If both people are willing to give, both end up winning. It is when we worry too much about the I that we forget a marriage is always about an US, and there is only a U in us.

I will have to remind myself to give, to relax, to let go because I do love him, and he needs this break so horribly. But I am still going to be nervous and excited, worried and joyous about seeing him again. It is hard to look forward to it too much knowing how fast it will be over and time to say good-bye, but tomorrows are never guaranteed, just promises, so I plan to use every day I have to love him the best I can. At least having a nine month old has increased my tolerance for clutter since army gear seems to multiply like wet gremlins. Now if only I knew WHEN he might actually get here . . . 

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