My husband and I took the first step today in preparing for our reunion. We communicated about our expectations. It sounds simple, but if you don't think to do it, often you both end up disappointed and angry.
I can speak about this confidently because his second deployment, his first with me, we had a few rough moments after he came home. As the deployment wound down, I had started to imagine the joyous reunion, make plans for us and so had he, but we each assumed it would go smoothly.
Without talking to each other about what we expected and planned, our plans conflicted. Our ideas about the reunion and especially the first few days were different. I didn't want to assert my desires over his after he spent a year in war, but it was hard not to let my feelings get hurt or be disappointed when he didn't envision our first few days together the way I had. He knew the year apart had been hard on me, and Chad didn't want to push his agenda, but had things that were important to him.
What we discovered last deployment was that all we needed to do was each talk openly about how we see the reunion and following days or even weeks going. He says what he wants without worrying about me. I say what I want without worrying about what he wants. Then we each can consider the plans and compromise and neither one of us has to give up all of what we want.
We do this usually a couple weeks before his return over email. The first rule is to be open minded when you read the email. Don't take every little word and analyze or twist it. These emails are kind of like the first draft of a story, open to revision. Part of the process is being willing to give in completely to your spouse. Both of us have to be willing to go along with each other's desires. If we start there emotionally, compromising becomes easier and we both get most of what we want.
By talking about what we expect or hope for, we can both envision "worst-case scenarios" in which the other person gets what they want completely and we lose out. But even just thinking about it, makes it more manageable. Then what really happens is usually better than that worst case scenario.
The goal here is to be together with the person you love and enjoy that time together. Both of us want that, what neither of us wants is to argue at all or have disagreements. Some disagreements are just part of being married, but this is one we have learned to head off at the pass by talking about it now instead of waiting to see how things shake out.
It is probably one of the easiest things we can do to make the reunion go more smoothly. Ask him if he wants a big return celebration or just a small get together with a few friends, invite the whole family, or just you and the kids. Find out how he envisions those moments he gets off the big white bus and runs across the field. Decide which things are really so important they are worth fighting for and what things don't really matter that much. I've found that the more we talk about it, the fewer things actually matter and the more we each get to just loving each other.
I can speak about this confidently because his second deployment, his first with me, we had a few rough moments after he came home. As the deployment wound down, I had started to imagine the joyous reunion, make plans for us and so had he, but we each assumed it would go smoothly.
Without talking to each other about what we expected and planned, our plans conflicted. Our ideas about the reunion and especially the first few days were different. I didn't want to assert my desires over his after he spent a year in war, but it was hard not to let my feelings get hurt or be disappointed when he didn't envision our first few days together the way I had. He knew the year apart had been hard on me, and Chad didn't want to push his agenda, but had things that were important to him.
What we discovered last deployment was that all we needed to do was each talk openly about how we see the reunion and following days or even weeks going. He says what he wants without worrying about me. I say what I want without worrying about what he wants. Then we each can consider the plans and compromise and neither one of us has to give up all of what we want.
We do this usually a couple weeks before his return over email. The first rule is to be open minded when you read the email. Don't take every little word and analyze or twist it. These emails are kind of like the first draft of a story, open to revision. Part of the process is being willing to give in completely to your spouse. Both of us have to be willing to go along with each other's desires. If we start there emotionally, compromising becomes easier and we both get most of what we want.
By talking about what we expect or hope for, we can both envision "worst-case scenarios" in which the other person gets what they want completely and we lose out. But even just thinking about it, makes it more manageable. Then what really happens is usually better than that worst case scenario.
The goal here is to be together with the person you love and enjoy that time together. Both of us want that, what neither of us wants is to argue at all or have disagreements. Some disagreements are just part of being married, but this is one we have learned to head off at the pass by talking about it now instead of waiting to see how things shake out.
It is probably one of the easiest things we can do to make the reunion go more smoothly. Ask him if he wants a big return celebration or just a small get together with a few friends, invite the whole family, or just you and the kids. Find out how he envisions those moments he gets off the big white bus and runs across the field. Decide which things are really so important they are worth fighting for and what things don't really matter that much. I've found that the more we talk about it, the fewer things actually matter and the more we each get to just loving each other.
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