A few months ago we got an email about interviewing to be on the TV show on TLC. I dismissed it because Chad surprised me three deployments ago with an amazing proposal. If you haven't read those entries and don't know us personally, it was an amazing day. He had the local sheriff pull me over and pretend like he was arresting me, when I didn't know he was home from Iraq. We were filmed on the local news and on the front page of the paper. It was amazing, but I think I had my 15 minutes of fame.
I see the promos for the show every once in awhile, but haven't made it a point to watch. In fact, I've kind of made it a point not to watch it because it brings up all the emotions I try to manage daily. Especially now as it gets closer to my husband's return, it is harder in some ways to watch those kinds of shows. TLC's show has soldiers surprise their loved ones with returning from combat, but it is hard to watch and not be just a little jealous, and I just can't watch with dry eyes.
I am happy for the people on the show. I am happy their soldiers came home safely and are reunited with family and friends, but it is a little hard for me to watch when his return is so close and yet so far away. I don't know that all wives feel like that. Some throw themselves into every welcome home ceremony until it is their turn, but others have a hard time watching all the joyous reunions while they are still so sad and so alone.
One of my friends during Chad's third deployment got really emotional when some of our friend's husbands started coming home. Our husbands were all in separate units, divisions even, but were pretty much deployed at the same time. I think it took a couple of months for them to all be home, but it was close, but when the first one came home, she took it really hard. It was their first major separation/deployment and she missed her husband so badly that each day was pretty tough in general. She didn't mean to be a downer, but watching our friend celebrate and be happy was just a reminder of how much longer she had to wait.
I think her emotions were more pronounced than mine, but as Chad's return draws closer and the days feel longer, I am kind of understanding how she felt. I don't need to watch a show reminding me that my soldier isn't home yet and making me cry and get all weepy. I do better to avoid such shows. Once the tears start, it is hard to stop them, but last night the show featured some friends of ours from church.
I had to watch. Philip got to see his baby daughter for the first time and surprise his three older children at school. They were the last segment of the show and I didn't make it through the first story without crying. They started on Fort Campbell, where we used to live with a young mom and one year old baby daughter who hadn't spent much time with her daddy after her birth. I listened to her talk and felt sad all over again for all the precious moments Chad has missed with Lil Bit. By the time they got to Philip and Katie, I was a goner. I cried my mascara off watching his children rush into his arms.
While I'm glad I watched it, tonight feels a little more lonely than last night, and the days are dragging. When we got to the 15th, I knew we only had 3-4 more weeks to go, weeks!! not months or years, weeks, this should be easy, but today is only the 19th and that feels like a lifetime ago.
I don't want to rush my summer vacation away, especially after spending the last two weeks sick as a dog, but what I wouldn't give to have Chad home with me for these next three weeks. OK that is enough of that, I'm gonna get started weeping again.
I do kind of wish I'd had Chad apply to be on the show, not to surprise me, but his mom. She was in on my surprise 5 years ago. I think it would be awesome to get her back. I didn't react too much because I processed pretty quickly that we were on TV and everyone we knew was standing around so I didn't do much but hug him like my life depended on it. If we were to surprise her, I think she might have a heart attack. I'm sure the scream would be heard around the world. I can already picture her reaction and it would be hilarious. I'm sure she's reading this right now and thinking, you'd better not!!
At this point, surprise or not, I just want him home!! The Welcome Home Troops signs all over town are always up because at Fort Hood, someone is always coming or going, but they are hardest to see when he is leaving or has just left and in the weeks before his turn comes. My heart has spent a lot of time coping with feeling abandoned by friends who aren't military wives or had their husbands around and they don't understand, feeling overwhelmed by raising this baby alone while trying to be a good teacher, feeling lonely and sad, worrying about his safety, being afraid that I would have to raise his daughter with only his memory, and I think I've reached a point where I'm getting tired.
I'm glad I watched the show, tonight, but it did stir up all sorts of emotions. The house is really empty tonight, especially since the baby had virtually no nap today and crashed about an hour ago. I just wish I had someone I could call to come over. I know I seem self-sufficient and maybe that is why everyone leaves me alone, but I run out of strong sometimes too.
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