For loyal followers, a few months ago, I posted about something I was conflicted about. I had seen a friend and marriage in trouble, but didn't know what to do. I confronted the friend and hoped for a truthful answer, but didn't get it. I didn't want to go to the spouse without being able to prove my feelings that something wasn't right.
If I was wrong, I would cause all sorts of problems in their marriage for no reason. I imagined the arguments, the protestations of innocence, all hinging on my word that I heard from a close source who may or may not have an agenda. I couldn't do that.
If I was right, but the spouse decided to seek forgiveness and heal the relationship, my interference could make a further mess of things. Having stood in the center of such a firestorm, I knew the pain and heart ache of watching a marriage implode.
I prayed and prayed for guidance. I made myself sick about it. I didn't want the spouse to spend the next years in the dark while being cuckolded. But I didn't want any part of destroying a marriage that maybe could be saved.
I ended up not doing anything past my confronting of my friend. That may have been enough. I found out last night that the couple are separating and divorcing. I don't know for sure what was said because they are still living together, and I don't want to be in the middle of it. I know infidelity was never mentioned, but even if the complete truth didn't come out, I know that the "innocent" spouse will not have to live being deceived. It is beyond painful for them right now, but if the relationship is beyond repair, it might be for the best.
Both spouses acknowledged the issues between them were fixable, but only one spouse was willing to put in the work. I learned a long time ago, you can't make someone stay, care, or want to work it out. Even nudging someone in a direction is generally a losing proposition, but you have to offer the chance for reconciliation.
I don't know what their private issues were and even if I did, this might not be the place to air someone else's dirty laundry, but the constant separation had to have something to do with it. They've been together for around a decade give or take a few years and been apart almost all of it since they married. He's been deployed a few times and off training and career course, etc. It is hard to stay in love with someone when the distance is all you have.
Many military relationships don't work because they were based on the emotions of love, the initial infatuations or childhood impulses of teenagers and those emotions don't survive very long in any marriage. They are decimated pretty quickly in military marriages. When you don't see someone for a year, it is hard to stay emotionally connected to them and if your relationship didn't have a base of friendship and respect and honor for the commitment, it is going to flounder.
A friend of mine is going through a rough patch with her husband right now, not separation rough, but misunderstandings and disagreements. She said something that spoke to me the other day. She said she didn't always feel like the loving wife, somedays she just felt married. That is what commitment is. Even when you don't feel the emotional highs of romantic love, the truth of marriage is you get up and be a husband or wife anyway. Your job is to be that person's spouse whether they "deserve" it or not.
God loved us and saved us and we still don't deserve it, it was a gift given lovingly. A marriage should reflect some of the same ideals. I have a lot of days that I am not all mushy in love with my husband and wish he'd be quieter in the mornings or less of a disorganized mess, but I still do my best to treat him with the love and respect I vowed.
Funny thing is that the more lovingly I act toward him, the more loving I feel toward him. I don't know if my marriage will be the one that lasts 50 years, but I hope that realizing we're in a commitment even when we disagree will help us get there. And knowing that the true way to be happy in a marriage is to give until you've given it all away. When both people give like that, neither feels short changed or resentful.
So with all my talk of love, you may wonder why I titled this entry "Answer to Prayers", but knowing a marriage was imploding and being torn about what my role should be with rickety information and a convicted heart about spreading gossip, knowing that my friend made a decision and at least partially came clean to their spouse is an answer to prayer for me because now I know I did the right thing by saying what I did and planting a seed of truth. I pray for their healing, maybe someday as a couple, but for now, just healing and time to think and grieve.
No comments:
Post a Comment