Day 38: The first part's mental

It has started to sink in that my husband will be home in a matter of weeks, less than four most likely. After feeling all year like it would never get to this point, it's here, and I don't feel ready.

I spent so much of this year sick or just swamped that I didn't have time to exercise the way I wanted to and I didn't lose the weight I was hoping to lose. It is hard emotionally for me not to look my best when he comes home. I am hopeful to lose a few more pounds in the coming weeks, but still recovering from this throat infection and feeling pretty weak, so it will be mostly diet and little exercise. I am hopeful I could lose maybe ten pounds, but that would be best case scenario. He told me he doesn't care, that I'm beautiful no matter what and that he is just so excited to see me, he could care less if I've lost weight or not.

The next thing is cleaning house. I'm hoping to start feeling better and get to the housework soon. I want to "spring clean" and purge things that are no longer necessary or are really just garbage. I also want to clear out space for my husband. A truth I've noticed in life is that we expand to fill whatever space we're in. I lived in a 900 sq ft. townhouse and was very cramped, between my husband, cat, two stepsons, and myself. When we moved into this house 1600 sq. ft., it felt huge. Now it feels like the walls are closing in. Of course, now we have a medium dog and a toddler whose toys have taken over the living room.

But through the course of a year, my stuff slowly expands to fill some of the empty places he's left. The fridge fills with diet yogurt and Lean Cuisine. The beer fridge gets full of diet soda and hard cider. The kitchen is organized the way I use it, not necessarily the way he does. It just doesn't make sense to live the whole year just waiting for him to come home. I sleep all over the bed; I organize the house the way I like it, and now it is time for me to start undoing what I've done in preparation to welcome my husband home, making room for him.

This is the first step for both of us, mentally preparing to change. It takes a lot of mental gymnastics to deal with a year of separation. Likewise, reintegration takes mental preparation. He has to start thinking about coming home, being in America, turning off the soldier mindset, tuning back into family. I have to start preparing to share my space again. I've been king of the castle so to speak, doing what I want to do when I want to do it, when the baby lets me that is.

I have to mentally start preparing to let him back in, let him make messes, move things, take some control over raising our daughter. This is probably the hardest part of the reintegration process for both of us, the mental game. When he comes home, he feels like he's just walking right back in where he left, like coming home from a quick vacation. Everything is where you left it, nothing has changed. But in the year he's been gone, I've moved things, reorganized cabinets, changed how I do things at least ten times. He has to be patient that things aren't the same and not just push his way back in, and I have to be patient to let him wriggle himself back into the house even if he does things differently than I would.

One of the things I've started trying to do is realize my year to parent Lil Bit how I see fit is over. She isn't just my daughter. She is our daughter and he gets to have an opinion, a nighttime routine with her that is his own. She and I have had so much fun, just us girls, while she knows sign language, in some ways we've got a language all our own. It will be hard to share her and him. He also needs to respect what I've done this year with the baby and in my life and with the house.

The couples who struggle with reintegration, aren't prepared for the days after the joyous reunion. They don't realize all the little land mines and struggles of coming back together. After doing this a few times, I know we both have to start this process a few weeks ahead of time by thinking about how life will change, about how to be patient and understanding as we both face changes to our reality.

The first step to successfully reintegrating is mental. Because so much of the process is focused on the joyous reunion, people forget to think about the disappointments and frustrations as well and they walk into unprepared for the fact that it is like getting married all over again, moving in together new again. So we start by being prepared for the rough edges and conflicts and being prepared to be patient is the most important of all. He and I will both need extra doses of patience with ourselves and each other.