All the redeployment briefs and meetings and preparations kind of sneaked up on me. I've been so busy surviving this year, and then all of a sudden, my husband's regiment was sending out all this redeployment information, websites, Facebook posts. I didn't feel ready. I immediately went into the first stage of return prep, anxiety. Will he be happy to be with me? Does he still love me just as much? Will he be different? Am I different? Can I re-adjust to being married? For a little while, the panic makes you kind of wish for more time.
That may not make sense to you, but, it's true. I haven't lost 40 lbs. like last time. I didn't finish my novel, the one I'm trying to write. I didn't watch a million chick flicks or get even halfway through my movie queue. It isn't that I didn't want him home, but emotionally I kind of shut down and went into heart hibernation.
As much time as military wives spend alone, it is self-preservation to find a way to enjoy being alone. You take over the remote, maybe even his closet, you make decorating choices without asking him, you enjoy the freedom of not having to compromise the day to day things with someone, not balancing your needs with someone else's, not compromising what you want to eat for dinner. Being alone is easier in some ways than a marriage is (probably why so many marriages are failing). Marriage is work, and learning to enjoy the break is part of surviving the heartbreak of being separated so often.
I love my husband and want him home, but emotionally, I have to wake back up. I was doing pretty well without him, keeping busy, filling my days, then it started, redeployment talk. And I ignored the first few rounds, kind of like ignoring the stores putting out the Christmas displays the week after Halloween. You see the Santas and scoff, for a couple of weeks, but you start thinking about Christmas and traditions, presents, maybe plans and the next thing you know you're shopping and it is only Nov. 15 and you have 40 days to wait to give your mom that amazing cashmere sweater she is just going to love.
Two weeks earlier, you weren't even thinking about Christmas, but now you can't wait for it to get here. Each day gets longer, and while you're busy and have so much to do, the days pass slower somehow. And December feels farther and farther away.
That is how I feel tonight. I haven't really cried just from missing my husband in a long time. I've cried at a sad movie that turned into tears for Chad, but it doesn't solve anything and it doesn't bring him home and I don't want to be weak for my family who need to know I'm OK and tough. So I've learned to shut it off. I used to cry every Sunday afternoon when we were dating. I lived 5 hours away and drove down every Friday night and home on Sundays. It was really hard. I knew we were only going to be apart for five days, but leaving him broke my heart every week. If I managed to get into the car without crying, I cried for the first hundred miles after he couldn't see me.
I'm not colder, at least I don't think I am, but I am more guarded. I don't let myself focus too much on missing him. Even this countdown is a way for me to be positive because I can see that I'm surviving, that the time is growing smaller. But all the redeployment talk started things going in my subconscious.
I've been dreaming about relationships, weird stuff that doesn't make any sense, but that I know reflects the emptiness I feel right now and the lack of intimate relationships I feel like I have. Then today I looked at the calendar and realized that my countdown might not be off by weeks, that he might not make it home before my school year starts, that he might not get to see his sons before they have to go home. And I've been sad all day. I'm really trying very hard not to cry right now.
I don't miss the way he leaves stuff everywhere and moves things I thought were perfectly organized. I don't miss the fiery furnace of heat he puts off when I like to be chilly when I sleep. I don't miss his cutting up dead things in the kitchen and using my good dining chairs for the clamp on his meat grinder. But I've realized today, that I am aching for him so much. I don't think "I miss you" even touches what I feel.
I've been cut off in any meaningful way from the one person who feels like an extension of myself. He is the best friend you stay up all night talking to because you can't wait to see what you'll talk about next. His laugh makes my heart giggle. I hear him laugh and a laugh bubbles up inside of me and it can't come from anywhere but my heart. I watch stupid movies that he loves because when he laughs, I can't help but crack up with him.
Even though we email and chat, I don't tell him so much. Sometimes at the end of a rough day that I somehow managed to survive, the last thing I want to do is write it all down and tell him about it. I don't want to complain about the girl at work who acts friendly one minute and snobby and witchy the next or the office politics about who gets which room or class to teach or gets belittled by the administration. Some of the things that make my day so hard are just too hard to email. If he were here, I would just fall into his arms and let him hug me until I could face whatever is hurting me.
Looking at the actual calendar today instead of guesstimating, I realized that his return isn't quite as imminent as I thought and I am more than disappointed, I'm a little broken. I started getting into the Christmas spirit before Thanksgiving and December is a long way away.
That may not make sense to you, but, it's true. I haven't lost 40 lbs. like last time. I didn't finish my novel, the one I'm trying to write. I didn't watch a million chick flicks or get even halfway through my movie queue. It isn't that I didn't want him home, but emotionally I kind of shut down and went into heart hibernation.
As much time as military wives spend alone, it is self-preservation to find a way to enjoy being alone. You take over the remote, maybe even his closet, you make decorating choices without asking him, you enjoy the freedom of not having to compromise the day to day things with someone, not balancing your needs with someone else's, not compromising what you want to eat for dinner. Being alone is easier in some ways than a marriage is (probably why so many marriages are failing). Marriage is work, and learning to enjoy the break is part of surviving the heartbreak of being separated so often.
I love my husband and want him home, but emotionally, I have to wake back up. I was doing pretty well without him, keeping busy, filling my days, then it started, redeployment talk. And I ignored the first few rounds, kind of like ignoring the stores putting out the Christmas displays the week after Halloween. You see the Santas and scoff, for a couple of weeks, but you start thinking about Christmas and traditions, presents, maybe plans and the next thing you know you're shopping and it is only Nov. 15 and you have 40 days to wait to give your mom that amazing cashmere sweater she is just going to love.
Two weeks earlier, you weren't even thinking about Christmas, but now you can't wait for it to get here. Each day gets longer, and while you're busy and have so much to do, the days pass slower somehow. And December feels farther and farther away.
That is how I feel tonight. I haven't really cried just from missing my husband in a long time. I've cried at a sad movie that turned into tears for Chad, but it doesn't solve anything and it doesn't bring him home and I don't want to be weak for my family who need to know I'm OK and tough. So I've learned to shut it off. I used to cry every Sunday afternoon when we were dating. I lived 5 hours away and drove down every Friday night and home on Sundays. It was really hard. I knew we were only going to be apart for five days, but leaving him broke my heart every week. If I managed to get into the car without crying, I cried for the first hundred miles after he couldn't see me.
I'm not colder, at least I don't think I am, but I am more guarded. I don't let myself focus too much on missing him. Even this countdown is a way for me to be positive because I can see that I'm surviving, that the time is growing smaller. But all the redeployment talk started things going in my subconscious.
I've been dreaming about relationships, weird stuff that doesn't make any sense, but that I know reflects the emptiness I feel right now and the lack of intimate relationships I feel like I have. Then today I looked at the calendar and realized that my countdown might not be off by weeks, that he might not make it home before my school year starts, that he might not get to see his sons before they have to go home. And I've been sad all day. I'm really trying very hard not to cry right now.
I don't miss the way he leaves stuff everywhere and moves things I thought were perfectly organized. I don't miss the fiery furnace of heat he puts off when I like to be chilly when I sleep. I don't miss his cutting up dead things in the kitchen and using my good dining chairs for the clamp on his meat grinder. But I've realized today, that I am aching for him so much. I don't think "I miss you" even touches what I feel.
I've been cut off in any meaningful way from the one person who feels like an extension of myself. He is the best friend you stay up all night talking to because you can't wait to see what you'll talk about next. His laugh makes my heart giggle. I hear him laugh and a laugh bubbles up inside of me and it can't come from anywhere but my heart. I watch stupid movies that he loves because when he laughs, I can't help but crack up with him.
Even though we email and chat, I don't tell him so much. Sometimes at the end of a rough day that I somehow managed to survive, the last thing I want to do is write it all down and tell him about it. I don't want to complain about the girl at work who acts friendly one minute and snobby and witchy the next or the office politics about who gets which room or class to teach or gets belittled by the administration. Some of the things that make my day so hard are just too hard to email. If he were here, I would just fall into his arms and let him hug me until I could face whatever is hurting me.
Looking at the actual calendar today instead of guesstimating, I realized that his return isn't quite as imminent as I thought and I am more than disappointed, I'm a little broken. I started getting into the Christmas spirit before Thanksgiving and December is a long way away.
Oh hun hang in there. December seems so far to me too. But that's only because we are a month into this deployment and December is very close to my husband's homecoming. He will be coming home sometime in January or February. I will even be happy when Halloween rolls around cause I will be that much closer. I enjoy reading your blogs too.
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