Day 153: Already gone and a year ago

This morning, despite my husband's leaving again, was much like any other morning, getting ready for work/school, but today was much harder. My stomach was in knots and my chest felt heavy. We tried to play it off like it was just any other day, but every exchange was just a bit more charged, heavier than usual. But I am not ready to write about it. I am holding it together by a thread. So wait until tomorrow for the good-bye saga.

Tonight I want to write about one of the most special days of my life. A year ago today, was kind of a miracle. I was giving a test, much like today, and my phone rang at the end of first period. I had started keeping it on loud and nearby once we had finished our paperwork and been approved by the agency, but I wasn't really expecting a call. In fact, in the three weeks since we'd been approved, people asked me so much that I had to kind of have a mental pep talk. 

So March 24, 2010 I told myself to stop worrying about the phone ringing, God's hands had been weaving my life, my story, my marriage from the start and when the baby He planned to be mine was ready, the phone would ring. Until that call, I was going to enjoy every minute of my "free" time and focus on being closer with my husband and such. I immediately felt better and ready to be patient. That was around 7:30. 

At 9:30, I answered the phone. It was the agency calling, but it might have been to tell us to send them another check or more paper work or something. "Jennifer, I'm calling to tell you that we have a match for you." 

I don't know that I even processed what she was saying. I couldn't believe it could be true. I tried to stay calm and ask questions about the birth mother as I stepped into the hallway for a bit of privacy. I must have been shaking, despite trying to play it cool. My friend Ally walked up and saw that I was shaken. 

"Are you ok?" I nodded kind of frantically. She stood by with her hand on my shoulder. I don't remember what I said, but she picked up on the topic and her eyes lit up. "B-A-B-Y?" she mouthed. I nodded and it hit me. We were getting a baby. Gosh, I am crying thinking about it now. I finished the details of working out the final agreement with the agency and birthmother and hung up. 

"You're getting a baby?" Ally asked. "We're getting a baby!" I started jumping up and down. A few minutes later, I called Chad. When I told him that we'd been picked by a birth mother, he said, "But we just finished the paperwork?!"

The best reaction I think was my mother-in-law. She had just been at our house for spring break and I had half-kiddingly said how great it would be to get the phone call while she was there that we had a born baby situation (when a mother decides to give up a child at or just after birth so you get to pick the baby up immediately). After I talked with Chad and gave him the information from the agency, I called her.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Grandma."

"Hi?"

"No - hi, GRANDMA!" 

"No way, you're kidding, are you serious?" and then a scream, shriek, and happy tears.
"Yep, we're getting a baby. It's a girl and she's due in June!"

It was a manic kind of elation with all the paperwork, medical files, etc. we had to review and decide if we wanted to be matched with the birthmother. But I was walking on air the entire day. I don't know that I came down from the high for days. It was a whirlwind of paperwork, shopping, preparing. 

So while today was a sad day this year, I couldn't help but remember the celebration of a year ago. A friend at school shrieked loud enough to rival Grandma. The day I finally really put it in God's hands and let go was the day He started the process to bring my precious Lil Bit home. I may not have been Sarah and in my 90's, but I had pretty much given up hope of ever being a mother and in one phone call, that door opened up again. So I shed a few tears today, despite a rough day and evening, in joy for the wonderful gift my daughter is and the mother I get to be for her everyday.