OK, so it sounds morbid and maybe you won't understand, but I am sending my husband into a combat zone, whether the news media calls it that or not. Today may be the last day I get with my husband. We have less than 24 hours and at least 7 of those will have to be sleep, hopefully. It will be hard enough to go to work after dropping him at the airport tomorrow morning without having to do it exhausted on top of everything. He certainly isn't perfect. His idea of organized is that we still own whatever he is looking for, probably. I think his blood stream is part tequila, part monster energy drinks, but he is pretty great.
He has been very kind over the last couple of weeks, making sure that I get some rest, too. He takes the baby most mornings and even a few middle of the night feedings/cuddles. When my arms are tired or my back hurts he takes her. He wrestles her into pj's when I get frustrated. He holds her when I need a minute. He laughs with me when she smiles and jumps up and down like a mad woman. Yesterday when we picked her up from daycare, she burst into giggles and began bouncing up and down repeatedly. She had us both laughing. Too sweet!
It is hard that he is leaving because I am still not sure she understands who he is. She still comes to me more often and looks unfamiliar with the word, Daddy. I said it plenty while he was gone, but when I ask her "Where is Daddy?" she looks for a picture or her recorded book. She sometimes looks for him, but I wish we had some more time for her to continue to develop a relationship with her first, best guy. If wishes worked, of course I would just wish him to stay.
It has been pretty special to watch him fall for her, to watch his face light up when she smiles and laugh when she is being cute. Last night, she was in rare form. She was sitting in the grass in the backyard making crazy noises and trying to eat grass before we could get to her. It was one of those moments, I dreamt about what my family might look like someday. I wish I could have bottled that moment to open up on the long lonely nights starting tomorrow.
I don't know how I will be able to let him go, or how I will be able to face coming home after school. It already is so powerfully lonely to consider that my stomach clenches and tears swell. 90% of the time, we just get each other. We are still crazy about each other after nearly 7 years and are hoping for another 50. Sure, we argue and my house and fridge will be much cleaner and more organized in a few days, but I would gladly live slightly disheveled than send him to Iraq tomorrow.
Every minute is heavy today. I had a hard time sleeping last night, between being achey and sore and Lil Bit crying and Daddy's snoring. I was up until almost 3. But five hours later, instead of sleeping in, I am up because I don't want to miss a minute with him I don't have to.
The day went way too fast. We showered and got ready for the day, ran to Toys R Us to shop for Lil Bit's birthday. Chad needed a hair cut after a month of being able to grow it. He is now basic ready and goatee free. Then we went to Chad's favorite sushi restaurant. Afterwards, Chad took me for frozen yogurt. It is waffle cone wednesday. I never get to go because I am just too busy or don't have anyone to go with. I cried when he drove to TCBY so we could finish our date with waffle cones.
Now, we are preparing for bed. Clothes are packed. Lunches made. Back to reality tomorrow. It is too soon. There aren't enough minutes and I can't make more. I am trying so hard not to waste our time crying. I can't follow him through the house while he makes last minute checks and finishes phone calls to his sons and mom. While he updates his computer on the "fast" internet at home, etc.
I just can't wrap my head around the reality yet. I keep telling myself we have so many hours left, procrastinating my breakdown. But I know it is coming. It builds like a tornado behind my smile. The rain is gonna fall, just a matter of when and for how long.
I've tried, but words can't really touch how horrible this feels or frightening or lonely or truly heart breaking. So just imagine, if you were going to put your spouse on a plane first thing in the morning and not see him/her again for five months, maybe longer, maybe never. Imagine no one to talk to at night, no one to take over a dreaded job or finish a tough chore, no one to snuggle with, no kisses or hugs, nothing. Just an empty house.
He has been very kind over the last couple of weeks, making sure that I get some rest, too. He takes the baby most mornings and even a few middle of the night feedings/cuddles. When my arms are tired or my back hurts he takes her. He wrestles her into pj's when I get frustrated. He holds her when I need a minute. He laughs with me when she smiles and jumps up and down like a mad woman. Yesterday when we picked her up from daycare, she burst into giggles and began bouncing up and down repeatedly. She had us both laughing. Too sweet!
It is hard that he is leaving because I am still not sure she understands who he is. She still comes to me more often and looks unfamiliar with the word, Daddy. I said it plenty while he was gone, but when I ask her "Where is Daddy?" she looks for a picture or her recorded book. She sometimes looks for him, but I wish we had some more time for her to continue to develop a relationship with her first, best guy. If wishes worked, of course I would just wish him to stay.
It has been pretty special to watch him fall for her, to watch his face light up when she smiles and laugh when she is being cute. Last night, she was in rare form. She was sitting in the grass in the backyard making crazy noises and trying to eat grass before we could get to her. It was one of those moments, I dreamt about what my family might look like someday. I wish I could have bottled that moment to open up on the long lonely nights starting tomorrow.
I don't know how I will be able to let him go, or how I will be able to face coming home after school. It already is so powerfully lonely to consider that my stomach clenches and tears swell. 90% of the time, we just get each other. We are still crazy about each other after nearly 7 years and are hoping for another 50. Sure, we argue and my house and fridge will be much cleaner and more organized in a few days, but I would gladly live slightly disheveled than send him to Iraq tomorrow.
Every minute is heavy today. I had a hard time sleeping last night, between being achey and sore and Lil Bit crying and Daddy's snoring. I was up until almost 3. But five hours later, instead of sleeping in, I am up because I don't want to miss a minute with him I don't have to.
The day went way too fast. We showered and got ready for the day, ran to Toys R Us to shop for Lil Bit's birthday. Chad needed a hair cut after a month of being able to grow it. He is now basic ready and goatee free. Then we went to Chad's favorite sushi restaurant. Afterwards, Chad took me for frozen yogurt. It is waffle cone wednesday. I never get to go because I am just too busy or don't have anyone to go with. I cried when he drove to TCBY so we could finish our date with waffle cones.
Now, we are preparing for bed. Clothes are packed. Lunches made. Back to reality tomorrow. It is too soon. There aren't enough minutes and I can't make more. I am trying so hard not to waste our time crying. I can't follow him through the house while he makes last minute checks and finishes phone calls to his sons and mom. While he updates his computer on the "fast" internet at home, etc.
I just can't wrap my head around the reality yet. I keep telling myself we have so many hours left, procrastinating my breakdown. But I know it is coming. It builds like a tornado behind my smile. The rain is gonna fall, just a matter of when and for how long.
I've tried, but words can't really touch how horrible this feels or frightening or lonely or truly heart breaking. So just imagine, if you were going to put your spouse on a plane first thing in the morning and not see him/her again for five months, maybe longer, maybe never. Imagine no one to talk to at night, no one to take over a dreaded job or finish a tough chore, no one to snuggle with, no kisses or hugs, nothing. Just an empty house.
Big giant hug from Korea.....:) You can do this Jen. Let me know if you need me:)
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