Dear Army, can you please mail me the pieces of my husband that he has left in Iraq. No, all the physical parts have returned, but pieces of his heart and soul seem to be damaged or missing. After four deployments, I think the stress of constant battle, violence and being ripped away from his family repeatedly has finally started taking its toll.
This deployment has been hard on both of us. We have been trying to take some time to have some serious talks, but it is hard to break through the walls we put up around our emotions knowing we have to say good-bye so soon. We both feel a little numb. I know for me it is so hard to be alone over and over again so I have closed off a little bit because it breaks my heart so many times to let him go. For him, he goes through that and the horrors of combat and responsibility for his soldiers. Four years of that stress is a lot to hold onto or hide from.
The other night I finally got him talking. He rarely tells me stories about his deployments. Once he told me it was because he didn't want me to have to live with the horrible images he has had to. I think it is because the moments were so awful that telling me is tantamount to reliving them. I finally just hugged him and let him talk.
For personal and OPSEC reasons, I won't share here what he talked about, but I was shocked about the level of gruesomeness he has been exposed to and he only told me about his first day in country this year. It sounded like a horror movie to me. Unfortunately, my brain immediately pictured the scenes he described. In my arms, I listened to him talk and felt the years of being a guarded man, unwilling to submit to his own emotions, slip away. For a few minutes, I could hear the little boy in his voice and felt devastated that he has had to experience such moments of helplessness, witness such graphic events that we would rate his life NC-17 for fictional violence. What is a person supposed to do when confronted with REAL things no one should see?
He has been so strong so through so much and continues to be strong, but he can only hold onto so much before it changes him. He is afraid to feel anything good for fear of having to feel the bad. He does great with the kids because it is easy to laugh and play, but connecting with me, allowing himself to go into the deep places where our connection is, where our love lives, means opening the floodgates to all of his emotions.
He so meant to be a soldier. He was born to wear a uniform. He is so good at it, but he still has to deal with his emotions from time to time. He is great at bottling them up, but the bottle can only hold so much before it starts to leak. He has to be able to let go of some of these memories and feelings. All I know how to do is listen. For him, for me, for us, for our family I hope listening is enough.
This deployment has been hard on both of us. We have been trying to take some time to have some serious talks, but it is hard to break through the walls we put up around our emotions knowing we have to say good-bye so soon. We both feel a little numb. I know for me it is so hard to be alone over and over again so I have closed off a little bit because it breaks my heart so many times to let him go. For him, he goes through that and the horrors of combat and responsibility for his soldiers. Four years of that stress is a lot to hold onto or hide from.
The other night I finally got him talking. He rarely tells me stories about his deployments. Once he told me it was because he didn't want me to have to live with the horrible images he has had to. I think it is because the moments were so awful that telling me is tantamount to reliving them. I finally just hugged him and let him talk.
For personal and OPSEC reasons, I won't share here what he talked about, but I was shocked about the level of gruesomeness he has been exposed to and he only told me about his first day in country this year. It sounded like a horror movie to me. Unfortunately, my brain immediately pictured the scenes he described. In my arms, I listened to him talk and felt the years of being a guarded man, unwilling to submit to his own emotions, slip away. For a few minutes, I could hear the little boy in his voice and felt devastated that he has had to experience such moments of helplessness, witness such graphic events that we would rate his life NC-17 for fictional violence. What is a person supposed to do when confronted with REAL things no one should see?
He has been so strong so through so much and continues to be strong, but he can only hold onto so much before it changes him. He is afraid to feel anything good for fear of having to feel the bad. He does great with the kids because it is easy to laugh and play, but connecting with me, allowing himself to go into the deep places where our connection is, where our love lives, means opening the floodgates to all of his emotions.
He so meant to be a soldier. He was born to wear a uniform. He is so good at it, but he still has to deal with his emotions from time to time. He is great at bottling them up, but the bottle can only hold so much before it starts to leak. He has to be able to let go of some of these memories and feelings. All I know how to do is listen. For him, for me, for us, for our family I hope listening is enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment