Being a step-mom is really hard. My ex-husband had three children. He had full custody most of the year of the two older children. I raised them nine months or ten out of the year for six years. They called me mom. I was their third mother: their birth mother and step-mother had both been around for about 4-5 years each, then came me. I felt a big responsibility to give them a childhood and family with more stability and love. Their step-mother before me was kind of unstable and mean to the children. Now, to her credit, she was very young when she became a step-mother to a four and two year-old. I was at least later in my twenties.
I think perhaps a large part of my decision to marry him was loving them. After a year of dating dad, I was in love with the kids. I wanted to give them family dinners and Christmas traditions. I wanted them to have memories of dancing in the rain, a lunar eclipse camp out on a school night, a Christmas cookies and special cinnamon rolls. I was part of their lives for six years. But being the main mom for the older two meant sending them to their mother's house every other weekend and for summers which was really hard.
My parents were very strict but in a loving, wholesome way. We had dinner as a family every night of my childhood. Sometimes Dad was gone or as we got older, sometimes one of us had activities, but we had a big family life with game nights and traditions. We weren't allowed to watch much television and what we watched was censored, no sex or suggestions of sex, no violence or swear words. And while as a child, I sometimes got frustrated with the rules, I now realize those restrictions kept me innocent, safe, and insulated my mind and heart from some of the ugliness of the world.
I wanted to give that to my children too. I did my best to give them as stable and loving environment as I could. Watching them go to their mother's house was really hard. Her husband was violent and abusive toward her and drank. I thought it was not the best home for them. They had few restrictions there and TV in their rooms with premium cable channels, which of course meant they found porn and such. No one seemed to be too worried about it around there. Now we know that both their mom and step-dad were doing drugs and had no business parenting anyone.
It was hard loving these kids like they were my own, wanting to give them the childhood I had, and having to send them to an environment I didn't always think was safe or agree with. I cried a lot of nights when they left for the summer, wishing I could protect them and keep them. I grieved the loss of those children so deeply I don't know how many years it took me to get over. I am so happy that they still choose to be in contact with me. Chris came by for Thanksgiving dinner and Brittany came by today with my new "grand-baby". I got to share some pretty recent experience with Lil Bit so she could get her baby to sleep. It took a few years for them to grow up enough to be able to choose for themselves if or how much contact they wanted to have.
Now, I am a step-mother again. When I met Chad, I didn't jump right in with the boys. I didn't want to get into that situation again. I didn't want the conflicts or the heartbreak. It took me a long time to let my guard down with the boys and really let myself love them. I still have a hard time with feeling too much for them because I don't get to be too big a part of their lives. I get really possessive and it is hard to let them go.
Love is tough all around I think. When you love someone, you put yourself in a position to get hurt, but loving a child you only get part time is extra hard. I just want to take the boys home with me. I get to missin' them somethin' fierce. They are here now for a couple days and I am getting attached again. They leave tomorrow. Just wish they could be in too places at once.
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