Day 284: Letting go

I always try to stay three steps ahead of everything. This week I was too sick to care about much past my own snot filled nose. Just getting through each day required such an amazing over the counter cocktail of medication. I couldn't keep my usual pace. In stead of freaking out, it was such a great relief to slow down and let things go.

I spend a lot of time being a terminal worrier. The world is a crazy place with out of control stuff happening everyday. I have always tried to control every variable possible, as if I can stave off disaster by taking care of every little pile of junk mail or correctly folding the tiny socks into perfect pairs. I hate being out of control, looking out of control. This week I couldn't keep up the facade. It was all I could do to get to work everyday. I had to learn to let things go.

Honestly, I don't know how much I will really be able to change. I have spent about 39 years being a tad OCD, but it was so great to spend more time in the moment. I spent more time on the floor laughing with the Lil Bit, covered in spit up and drool. I know there are things that need to be done and every night I take off is work I am piling up for later, but there has to be a better way than spending every second running around. Lil Bit is growing up too fast and I am missing too much of it already.

I may be functioning around a few precarious piles of stuff, but my head aches and my throat hurts and I can barely think straight. I just don't have any more to give. Whatever energy I have has to go to Punkin Butt. She has been great. She took a nice long nap this morning, and so did I. Another long nap this afternoon let me get laundry folded. I have all her clothes for the week laid out and ready to go, matching socks and bibs too. Just taking a second here and there to do little things can give me some more freedom to feel a little less pressured.

Also, my wonderful husband told me not to worry about the yard and pool while he's gone. At least I feel like I can spend less time worrying about the fact that I don't have time to take care of one more thing. The holidays are coming and I will have plenty to stress about, but I am going to do my best not to let things get to me and what gets done, gets done. The house may not always be clean or picked up. I will try to keep it clean or picked up. This week it is still clean from the scrubbing it got last week, but not as picked up as I would like. But I am starting to feel crappy again and getting better and being a good mom has to take precedence.

I still have guilt about not doing everything perfect all the time, but I'm doing my level best to ignore it. And you know what, I think I'll sleep just fine, even if it takes two doses of cough syrup.