Day 290: Somebody's Mom

This morning, walking through my quiet house, something about the cast of light through the curtains and the chill in the air combined with the holiday scents still lingering from last night's party reminded me of the winter mornings when I was a little girl. I could almost smell bacon and coffee and taste homemade sticky buns warm from the oven. Where did I get those associations with fall and winter and the holidays? My mom.

And it occurred to me for not the first time, that I am somebody's mom now. The memories that run so deep she can't even trace them to when they started, are going to come from me. I am so humbled by that responsibility. While she is still a tad tiny to be making memories to last a lifetime, I need to start thinking about what roots I want her to have.

I remember winter mornings, chilled through in a thin cotton nightgown, hustling to stand over the copper grate between the kitchen and dining room. Watching my mom stand over the stove, I would sway back ad forth making my nightgown into a bell of warm air. The smell of coffee tantalizing my nose long before it would ever taste nearly so delicious. The excitement of lazy days playing board games with my family, eating special holiday snacks still fills my mind. I love the holidays today because of all the special memories my family created, especially my mom.

I have tried to continue those memories and traditions for my step-children and family, but they also have their mother building memories too. Lil Bit will have only me and her father to create the memories that will be the foundation for her future.

I am not always as patient as I would like to be. I don't always have the energy I want. I can't control everything around my family, sometimes I can't even control myself, especially around chocolate, but I can wake her up every morning with a giant smile and a "Good morning, beautiful." I can make it a point to give her a positive outlook every day. I can fill my house with warmth and love even if I don't want her to eat bacon and don't always have the energy to make myself something to eat much less stand over the stove stirring Malt-O-Meal to stop the horrible lumps from forming to please our picky palates.

Today ended up with me so sick on the couch that getting done the "have-to's" for tomorrow was about all I had energy wise. I feel horrible and feel like I didn't take care of the package for Chad that I have been working on for weeks. I did at least put most of his stuff into the box, but I still haven't worked on getting the videos onto discs for him. I did upload the last month's worth of pictures so I can mail Lil Bit's birth mom her letter for the month. Then at least I don't have to mail her another one until she is a year old, not that I begrudge her the pictures, but the post office here makes getting a pedicure by with sharp bamboo spikes under your nails look fun. I guess this is just the way it rolls. Somedays I feel like I got it all on lock and other days, like an epic fail! At least if this mother/teacher thing doesn't go my way, I've got my street lingo to keep me kickin' it!

My parents had hard times; we never knew it. I guess that is the trick, to let her be a child, have innocence as long as I can. I am living her life now too. I am somebody's mom. How awesome is that?