Day 279: Strength

Today my husband and I had a rare chance to instant message online. We chatted about the baby of course. He told me a little about some certification course he had to take yesterday, and then updated me on the status of a back pay issue, which has no update. The army is taking its sweet time to resolve a back pay issue dating back to his first day in the army. He told me he has checked on it, but not heard anything yet. We said, "I love you," and "I miss you" several times each, and when I had to start class, we said good-bye.

Later it struck me how fluid our conversations have become. Two deployments ago, I would have had all sorts of questions about what he had done to check on the back pay why it was taking so long, etc. But I have learned that he is capable of handling it himself. Maybe he has learned that a little too. He certainly has gained more confidence in himself and become more of an advocate for himself in the face of his supervisors, but I too have learned to let him take care of the army side of our lives and to trust he is doing the best he can.

He also never asks about our finances or the house. He has learned that I am better at budgeting our funds than he is and that our bills are always paid on time, generally early. I also overpay most of our bills so we never owe a late fee or finance charge. Over time Chad has learned to trust that I will keep us organized and take care of his things while he has to be gone.

Our marriage has gained strength through the many separations. We've learned that we can trust each other and lean on each other's strengths. We have a lot in common, but we also are complementary. Rather than butting heads over tasks, we make a good team. We can both cook, but trying to figure out what to make for dinner every night is torture for me while Chad finds it a creative release from his day. He hates doing dishes, but I don't mind the mindlessness of it. So, he cooks, I clean up. We both feel like we're getting the better part of the deal. It works for us.

We have also had to learn how to talk to each other via chat and email. I can't hear his tone through an email and all too often, we've fought over an innocent joke that was misconstrued. But by spending some time talking about how to chat/IM and topics to avoid over electronic media, we've established ways to address things, giving each other the benefit of the doubt, taking time to process our feelings and empathize with each other's feelings before broaching a difficult subject.

The time apart is hard. In some ways, I've learned more how to be an independent woman from being married to Chad than I did from being single. I am seriously considering buying a king sized bed because I don't know how I will go back to sleeping nicely on one side of the bed after a year of hogging the whole thing. But to keep our love and friendship alive requires a strength that brings us closer even when we're actually miles apart.