I am not a Griswold super crazy Christmas person, but I LOVE the holidays. I decorate and turn on the tree lights every night. I drink warm cider by the fire and read books snuggled up on the couch. I make my family's traditional Christmas cookies and start shopping in October. I play Christmas carols and sing loudly and terribly. I love the sappy Hallmark movies and have watched them all. I DVR them and watch them later if I can't watch immediately. I cry at the end of most of them even when I could have predicted the ending five minutes in.
Then my husband gets deployed, and I turn into a bit of a Scrooge! I don't want to decorate, or bake, or shop. I tried really hard to get into the spirit, but I just couldn't. Here it is, almost December and I just want to close my eyes and pretend Christmas isn't happening. I want the vacation and the cold weather, but to me the holiday is all about family, being close with the people you love, and emotionally I struggle when he is gone. As is true of so many things, it just isn't any fun without him. Even when he struggles with being a scrooge himself, just being together is always better.
I know Punkin Doodle (not sure where this nickname came from, but it makes her laugh) deserves a real Christmas holiday, full of smells and songs and lights, but I just can't muster up any energy to decorate or much holiday spirit. Maybe as it gets closer, I will have a desire to decorate, but she is already almost crawling and right now a tree is just one more thing for her to get into. We'll be traveling to my sister's house, who will have a tree and decorations, but our late celebration with the boys and the in-laws again will be barren at this point.
I hate feeling so blue around the holidays. It is my favorite time of the year. I love the crisp air and bright lights against frosted greenery, the smell of cinnamon and baking bread, Bing Crosby singing "White Christmas"and snuggling cozy by the fireplace surrounded by my family and friends. I just wish I could muster up more spirit. Maybe I will once I recover from Thanksgiving, but so far not much luck there.
My heart wants to be full of holiday cheer, but I am feeling more like a scrooge. Does it make me a scrooge if I let it go this year? Next time he deploys, she will be old enough that I will need to decorate for her. She will remember that Christmas, but this year she won't yet understand and will still be full of love and fun if not boughs of holly. I just hate feeling like my first Christmas with her is a bust, but feel just too wiped out to do anything. I had two venti Starbucks and still feel fairly comatose. I just waited so long to be a wonderful mom and worry that I am cheating her. Am I a Scrooge?
Yes, you have to put up a tree. You don't have to go full blown, but a tree (even a SMALL new one!!!???) is required. You will want a picture of her by her first Christmas tree. You'll want those memories of her getting into the tree. You'll want all that. In 5 year's you think, I didn't put a tree up that year, what was I thinking???
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