This is a ridiculous word. Usually the prefix re- means to do something again. In this context though, re-deployment, doesn't exactly mean to deploy again. The word redeployment is used when the guys are about to come home.
I have awhile to go, obviously about 100 days (I almost typed years - just how it feels some days). But I have a new reader who is about to welcome her significant other home from his tour of duty. While it is a joyous time, it is also filled with a lot of anxious emotions as well.
Spending significant time apart, creates all sorts of emotions and reintegrating can be a nervous and stressful time. We've done this a few times now and each time it is a little different, but if anything we've gone through helps you deal or prepare for it, I am more than happy to share.
First is the frantic panic when you get around a week out. There isn't enough time to lose that last five pounds, do all the things you'd been meaning to do, etc. and you've got to figure out a lot of logistics.
Depending on where you are, you may have to figure out the big welcome home ceremony on post. Where to park, how early you need to get there, if there are potties for little ones. I would say, plan on no bathrooms and bring some water and snacks and toys. Most of them are a lot of waiting around with little to occupy your time. If you've got some time before your guy heads back this way, you can get an awesome sign made from buildasign.com. They do one free sign a year for military families. I made my sign rank and unit free - just Welcome Home essentially. This way I can use it again and again.
If you're not near a post, you may have to figure out picking him up from the airport with little advance warning. My husband usually shoots me a text message when he lands in North America. Which leaves me excited and nervous and struggling to focus on the day to day activities for several days.
Also, there is coordinating welcome home activities. Most military members have very proud families who are just as anxious to see their soldiers return home safely as their spouses, fiances, or significant others. Sometimes having to coordinate family visits makes life a bit challenging. Until this spring, I've had to coordinate my ex-husband's father or mother taking turns with deployment ceremonies and welcome homes to keep the peace. While they deserve to be part of the happy celebration, parents sometimes have a way of swooping in and taking over or forgetting that they aren't the only person in their child's life anymore. My personal preference is to have a big welcome home, the more the merrier, friends, family, banners, parties, etc. right away when things between us are new.
I am not a touchy feelie person. After going a year without much physical contact, it takes me awhile before it feels natural to touch someone else all the time. Even daily emails and phone calls can't replace the organic way we communicate in person and the closeness that brings. I need some time for us to get used to each other again, and he needs time to decompress. Having everyone over right away keeps everything fun, light and lets us find our way back to each other slowly. But when I plan it, I tell people, you can come for a couple of days, then you need to go. We need our time together. While some MIL are pushier than mine or more demanding, I think if you make every effort to include them in the welcome home ceremony and give them a few days, they will be more likely to respect your need for privacy sooner.
One of the best ways to prepare for reintegration is to start talking about it as soon as possible with each other. Explain what is going on at home, what your thoughts are, what you are imagining and hoping for. Then let him do the same. Once my husband and I both wrote our "dream reintegration" emails and then shared them at the same time. I read his with an open mind, and he read mine with an open mind. Then we tried to make the other person's dream come true. Most of the time we end up coming to a functional compromise.
It is hard. He's been missing his whole life not just me, but I've mostly been missing him. I tend to want just some serious quiet time together to talk and get reacquainted. He has fishing and hunting and time with his children that are part of his plans. We have to try really hard to listen and compromise without getting too emotional. Reuniting is emotional and hard enough without arguing over how to spend it.
The last part of reuniting I am going to talk about for right now is the let down. Once he is in the car or at home all the adrenaline and emotions hit the brick wall of "now what?" And the truth is, now you go back to living. He is going to have to get used to traffic again, putting away his dirty laundry, not swearing like a sailor, sleeping on a different schedule, and sharing a bed. So many of the daily things we take for granted are going to feel strange or new to him all over and I find that it takes me a few weeks to get used to his being home.
You may think R&R prepared you for coming home, but it didn't R&R is like running a 100 yard dash. Coming home is more of a marathon. Last time, Chad slept a lot. It took him months of being exhausted to be back to normal. He would fall asleep at 3 in the afternoon and again at 9 p.m. He came home and dumped Army gear all over the house. All the cleaning and organizing I'd done was up in smoke in less than 24 hours. It takes a lot of patience to welcome him back into your space knowing he isn't going to keep it the way you do and to understand that he kind of have to re-civilize himself too.
I keep wanting to say the trick is, but there is no trick. Coming back together is a physical and emotional journey that takes some strange twists and turns. During R&R, Chad and I had some pretty good arguments because he was acting so closed off and couldn't reach out to me and I was trying so hard to get back to us. All the fights ended with hugs and long talks, but we had to get angry to let the other emotions out too, which felt really awful and then great, but we worked through it. Being open, communicating, compromising and loving are the keys to making it through redeployment.
Don't feel badly when it all doesn't feel like the Hallmark moments you expect. It is better if you don't have those expectations, but that swell of emotion lasts maybe a few hours at best. Then the hard work of truly becoming one again starts. Remember back to when you first were married or first lived together and start there. Your learning curve will go much faster, but if you can keep in mind that in many ways you're starting over, maybe your expectations will be more realistic and your relationship will be that much closer and that much stronger for it.
I have awhile to go, obviously about 100 days (I almost typed years - just how it feels some days). But I have a new reader who is about to welcome her significant other home from his tour of duty. While it is a joyous time, it is also filled with a lot of anxious emotions as well.
Spending significant time apart, creates all sorts of emotions and reintegrating can be a nervous and stressful time. We've done this a few times now and each time it is a little different, but if anything we've gone through helps you deal or prepare for it, I am more than happy to share.
First is the frantic panic when you get around a week out. There isn't enough time to lose that last five pounds, do all the things you'd been meaning to do, etc. and you've got to figure out a lot of logistics.
Depending on where you are, you may have to figure out the big welcome home ceremony on post. Where to park, how early you need to get there, if there are potties for little ones. I would say, plan on no bathrooms and bring some water and snacks and toys. Most of them are a lot of waiting around with little to occupy your time. If you've got some time before your guy heads back this way, you can get an awesome sign made from buildasign.com. They do one free sign a year for military families. I made my sign rank and unit free - just Welcome Home essentially. This way I can use it again and again.
If you're not near a post, you may have to figure out picking him up from the airport with little advance warning. My husband usually shoots me a text message when he lands in North America. Which leaves me excited and nervous and struggling to focus on the day to day activities for several days.
Also, there is coordinating welcome home activities. Most military members have very proud families who are just as anxious to see their soldiers return home safely as their spouses, fiances, or significant others. Sometimes having to coordinate family visits makes life a bit challenging. Until this spring, I've had to coordinate my ex-husband's father or mother taking turns with deployment ceremonies and welcome homes to keep the peace. While they deserve to be part of the happy celebration, parents sometimes have a way of swooping in and taking over or forgetting that they aren't the only person in their child's life anymore. My personal preference is to have a big welcome home, the more the merrier, friends, family, banners, parties, etc. right away when things between us are new.
I am not a touchy feelie person. After going a year without much physical contact, it takes me awhile before it feels natural to touch someone else all the time. Even daily emails and phone calls can't replace the organic way we communicate in person and the closeness that brings. I need some time for us to get used to each other again, and he needs time to decompress. Having everyone over right away keeps everything fun, light and lets us find our way back to each other slowly. But when I plan it, I tell people, you can come for a couple of days, then you need to go. We need our time together. While some MIL are pushier than mine or more demanding, I think if you make every effort to include them in the welcome home ceremony and give them a few days, they will be more likely to respect your need for privacy sooner.
One of the best ways to prepare for reintegration is to start talking about it as soon as possible with each other. Explain what is going on at home, what your thoughts are, what you are imagining and hoping for. Then let him do the same. Once my husband and I both wrote our "dream reintegration" emails and then shared them at the same time. I read his with an open mind, and he read mine with an open mind. Then we tried to make the other person's dream come true. Most of the time we end up coming to a functional compromise.
It is hard. He's been missing his whole life not just me, but I've mostly been missing him. I tend to want just some serious quiet time together to talk and get reacquainted. He has fishing and hunting and time with his children that are part of his plans. We have to try really hard to listen and compromise without getting too emotional. Reuniting is emotional and hard enough without arguing over how to spend it.
The last part of reuniting I am going to talk about for right now is the let down. Once he is in the car or at home all the adrenaline and emotions hit the brick wall of "now what?" And the truth is, now you go back to living. He is going to have to get used to traffic again, putting away his dirty laundry, not swearing like a sailor, sleeping on a different schedule, and sharing a bed. So many of the daily things we take for granted are going to feel strange or new to him all over and I find that it takes me a few weeks to get used to his being home.
You may think R&R prepared you for coming home, but it didn't R&R is like running a 100 yard dash. Coming home is more of a marathon. Last time, Chad slept a lot. It took him months of being exhausted to be back to normal. He would fall asleep at 3 in the afternoon and again at 9 p.m. He came home and dumped Army gear all over the house. All the cleaning and organizing I'd done was up in smoke in less than 24 hours. It takes a lot of patience to welcome him back into your space knowing he isn't going to keep it the way you do and to understand that he kind of have to re-civilize himself too.
I keep wanting to say the trick is, but there is no trick. Coming back together is a physical and emotional journey that takes some strange twists and turns. During R&R, Chad and I had some pretty good arguments because he was acting so closed off and couldn't reach out to me and I was trying so hard to get back to us. All the fights ended with hugs and long talks, but we had to get angry to let the other emotions out too, which felt really awful and then great, but we worked through it. Being open, communicating, compromising and loving are the keys to making it through redeployment.
Don't feel badly when it all doesn't feel like the Hallmark moments you expect. It is better if you don't have those expectations, but that swell of emotion lasts maybe a few hours at best. Then the hard work of truly becoming one again starts. Remember back to when you first were married or first lived together and start there. Your learning curve will go much faster, but if you can keep in mind that in many ways you're starting over, maybe your expectations will be more realistic and your relationship will be that much closer and that much stronger for it.
I haven't kept up very well lately..I think I have missed 2 weeks! I'm glad to see you are almost down to DOUBLE DIGITS!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for posting this! I'm a little behind on the entries because my bf got home a little over a week ago. Everything went very well, and your advice definitely makes a lot of sense! The hardest part for both my bf and for me was dealing with his family, but for as rough as things were for the few days trying to handle all of the drama before he came home, everything went well.
ReplyDeleteThanks again for the advice!