This somehow was one of the blogposts that had to be erased to repair the issues that were created and caused the whole system to shut down for a couple of days. I hadn't missed an entry and it made me so frustrated that I couldn't access the system and then found I had lost a blog entry. Very frustrating. Thanks for hanging with me.
This is a continuation of the blog I started earlier this week. I've seen this list a few times, but here are a few of the things that non-military people say to us that are hurtful or insensitive.
6. “How much longer does he have until he can get out?”
Somehow, this sounds probably more negative than it was meant, but my husband VOLUNTEERED. He watched the towers fall, knew what the world looked like, and signed up, knowing it would take him away from his family, his hobbies, his life. He chose to go. When you ask "until he CAN come home" it sounds unappreciative of his sacrifice, like who would ever WANT to have this job?
Also, if you are asking because you don't know how the military works, the enlisted soldiers sign contracts for specified amounts of time: 2 years is the shortest and doesn't happen very often, 4 years is average and 6 is less frequent, but also popular. Then you have INDEF - my husband just signed his indef contract last fall. Indefinite contract length means he plans to stay for his entire career. He has served just over 13 years in the military now and has a minimum of seven before he can retire. He has reupped (re-enlisted 5 times? now).
My husband loves what he does even though he doesn't always love the day to day or the deployments. Being in the military isn't a plague you have to run from. It is a commitment. Before you ask how long before he can GET OUT, think about why you even want to know or if you could just say, "Tell him thank you for his service" and move on.
If you are truly curious about his commitment, ask if he is a career soldier. If he is, then ask how long he has in. If not, then ask when his commitment is up. Sometimes it is about thinking for just a second about what how what you're saying sounds.
#7 My husband travels for business all the time. I totally understand what you're going through."
Not really. While any couple that spends a lot of time apart is going to have many similar issues, it is like comparing horseback riding to bull riding. While I try not to dwell on it, most of the time my husband is away he is in mortal danger. Today while chatting with him on the computer we lost signal, but he didn't come back on. I didn't spend any time really focused on it, but my first thought was that something happened. You may worry about his plane or travels, but we have that worry plus IEDs, mortars, rockets, and combat.
Also we are on an emotional journey that starts with orders to deploy and the stress, fear, and anxiety this brings. Then he leaves off and on for field exercises over a period of several months culminating in a month of desert combat training. After which, the giant clock begins to countdown at a deafening volume. Everything we do as a couple has added significance and the last two weeks are the hardest. Sometimes it gets so hard that if I had some magical guarantee he would come home safely, I would wish that he would just get a phone call and have to go, no time to spend getting all worked up. Then we deal with the loss, try to create our own agenda and routines, get comfortable in those routines just to have him come home for a few weeks and remind us how sucky everything is without him and leave again. When he finally comes home, he isn't usually home for more than 48 hours before I hear him tell somebody that they're already talking about his next deployment dates. And off we go again.
Being alone a lot is part of what we do, but the being together, apart, together, apart with combat thrown in for extra difficulty ratings, isn't the same as someone married to a truck driver or businessman who travels. The emotionality just doesn't even touch it. SO, instead tell me how much you miss your husband when he's gone and that you appreciate our sacrifice and are around when we need an ear.
8. “Wow, you must miss him?”
This one doesn't bother me so much, but of course I miss him. The worries and the missing him aren't always at the front of my mind, but when someone asks this, it does make me think about something sad and painful. Some days I can't even consider him because it hurts so much, between being alone and missing him. Things are so much better now than they were in earlier wars, but all I know is this one.
He emails a couple times a week when he can. Sometimes I have gone for a couple of weeks with no word. He calls every Saturday or every other Saturday depending on his schedule. But this army wife thing is a lot of being alone. I would say about 75% of our marriage has been apart or preparing to be apart or trying to readjust from being apart. We have very little normal time together. Sometimes, I forget what it is like to have him home. Which leads me to . . .
9. Don't you miss sex?
For me, I've found that I really don't too much after the first few weeks he's gone. It kinda shuts down, becomes periphery. Sex is only part of having an intimate relationship. I worry more about making sure we're still talking, sharing our feelings. And over time you realize that sex isn't the foundation of your relationship, just a benefit of a loving marriage.
I do miss being close. I miss holding his hand. I miss the way it feels to hug him. It is part of the sacrifice we make, which is part of the reason why many military marriages don't last. And that corresponds to . . .
10. Aren't you afraid he'll cheat?
Not really. I can't guarantee he will be faithful, but we talked at length before his first deployment about the issue, and I've come to trust him. What is the alternative? Trust has to be at the center of any relationship whether there is distance or not. I was cheated on by my ex-husband who worked five minutes from the house. He carried on an affair for a year before our divorce. It was hard for me to trust anyone after that, but Chad very wisely pointed out that we can't control each other, only ourselves. Worrying about infidelity won't prevent it and generally drives a divisive wedge between two people.
I also think he truly loves me more than he thinks I love him, and I love him more than I think he loves me. He thinks I am too good for him while I wonder when he'll realize he's too good for me. Part of having that trust, is being able to know how complete your love is.
He could cheat on me whenever he wanted. He is a handsome guy who is kind, generous and loving. Worrying about it, stressing about it, checking up on him, won't make any difference. It will just make me upset, paranoid and slowly build a wall between us of mistrust and resentment. If you think your guy is going to cheat, you need to work on your relationship. The closer you two are emotionally, the less possibility is that either of you will make that mistake. We also made a rule - to never do anything that would make the other person wonder or question our trustworthiness.
He knows I will never be alone with a man under any circumstances. He won't do anything that would make me wonder either. We also both promised that we would never cheat. If anything ever came to that point, we would end our relationship before pursuing something else. The pain of losing a relationship is bad, but betrayal is a thousand times worse.
I know there are no guarantees, but I am not going to worry about it. I don't let myself be concerned. If he were coming home late smelling like perfume and taking showers immediately, I might start to ask some questions, but until then . . . no, I don't worry about things I can't control. I have enough stuff I am actually responsible for.
11. “Well, he signed up for it, so it’s his own fault whatever happens over there.
Mmm, really? This is like saying a car accident is your fault because you knew how dangerous cars were but got into one anyway. He knew what military service meant before he joined the army, but being a victim of a terrorist still isn't his fault. He does what he does knowing the risks of IEDs and rockets, bullets and shrapnel. He chose to put himself in harm's way to protect us, so we can sleep relatively unconcerned about the state of the Middle East. So his daughter could sleep peacefully in her crib.
This one bothers me because people close to our family have made comments that he must like being away from his family because he deploys so often. He likes serving his country, but wishes he could be home more often. He gets deployed based on what type of unit he is in and what job needs doing.
If, God forbid, something did happen to him, it would be because he stood between some fanatic anti-American extremist and you. Don't you dare tell me it would be his fault. Instead, try THANK YOU. They are two little words that should be said more often. He goes so you don't have to. He signed up so they wouldn't draft your husband or son or brother. He chose to make a career out of protecting our freedoms that we really do take for granted. He sacrifices his life everyday he is gone because he misses out on all the things the rest of us do. If you're not a military spouse, you probably can't imagine what it feels like to know he'll miss Thanksgiving and Christmas again this year, to wonder if he'll be home for your 40th birthday, to cry because your daughter just did something for the first time and you didn't get it on video for him.
All in all, people say a lot of things to us, around us, about us based on misinformation, ignorance and too much TV. If you come across someone who says something hurtful, try to remember they most likely are trying to be sympathetic or are curious about the military wife life. Try to be patient. If you're the civilian and come across a military wife, try to ask fewer questions and just listen.
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