This is modified from a variety of lists floating around the Internet. The list of ideas is partially borrowed, but the responses are mine. I like the ideas behind many of the lists, but some were a little more hostile than I felt comfortable sharing.
I think a lot of people really are just ignorant of military life and the realities of how it affects soldiers, wives, families, etc. Most people live in a world where three day business trips are "forever" to spend apart, in which death is a vague possibility not a daily potentiality, and when they are confronted with someone who lives the way we do, they don't know what to say. They feel sympathy, empathy, but don't even begin to understand what we do or what our husbands do. The things they say sound awful to our ears, but are their attempts to understand.
This is a list of things people say trying to get a glimpse into a life that seems so foreign to them, so unbelievably hard.
1. “Aren’t you afraid that he’ll be killed?”
Of course. The reality of modern warfare is death is a reality, but injury is far more likely. Either way, it is terrifying. Truth is people are far more likely to die in traffic than war statistically, but somehow we accept that where as with war, being in mortal danger is unavoidable. We worry everyday. We try not to think about it. We can't. It would be like walking around with an open wound, too painful. We try to focus on other things, like the kids, work, things like counting down the days, writing a blog. Asking us brings it back to the front of our minds. Please don't.
2. “I don’t know how you manage. I don’t think I could do it.”
Maybe you couldn't. A lot of people can't. But I never thought I could either. I almost walked away from dating my husband because he was stationed 5 hours away and in the military. But I couldn't help myself. I fell in love, and I decided that I loved him enough to have half a life with him rather than a whole life without him. If you love your husband as much as I do, you could do it too. You would hate it, cry, scream, get angry, etc. just like I have and will. Army wives are not magical, we're just women who decided a commitment to our marriage was just as important as our husband's commitment to our nation.
3. “At least he’s not in combat.”
Most army wives hear this about once a year. Guys head out for training, school, field exercises, etc. Yes, it is better than combat, but gone is gone. They are gone SO MUCH that any more time gearing up for leaving, saying good-bye and taking on double duty is awful. To some extent, it gets harder and harder with repetition of good-bye. Our worry is less when they are in country, but our hurt isn't.
4. “Do you think he’ll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?”
NO. While sometimes commanding officers will make a point to get a dad home for the birth of his child if at all possible, most times when they leave for deployment, they are gone for a minimum of a year with a two week R&R in approximately the middle. Some MOS's (jobs) deploy more often for shorter times and sometimes the circumstances dictate a longer or shorter deployment, but they leave when they leave and they come back when they come back. If you are VERY lucky, he will get to choose his R&R dates, but we've had to fight for decent R&R every deployment. While he has always had supportive CO's, it is hard to worry every time whether he will get to come home the one week he will have his boys or when I am off work too. If R&R coincides with a special occasion, it is just luck. Chad missed his daughter's first Christmas, winter, Easter, BIRTHDAY! They don't get to come home for anything short of a death or impending serious health issue of a parent, spouse or child. My husband's father was near death for two months. He got to come home about half a week after his father's death. They don't get to come home until the tour is over. It isn't our choice or theirs. There is nothing we can do to have them home.
This is a touchy subject for me because one of my acquaintances once made a comment that Chad must like being gone because he is deployed so much. My husband has never volunteered for a deployment, but has never shirked his duty either. He has been gone 4 years. Not a choice!
5. “What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he’s gone?
This is a reasonable question for some military wives. If you don't work and have no children, then a year deployment can feel like an eternity of days stretching out in front of you. Even if you work, having no children, it can be rough to fill the time, but it does get filled. Once you have a house, pet and children in the picture, you don't worry about filling the days, you worry about having time to sleep and get everything done. You worry about not baking the diapers and freezing the bread. You worry about be patient and kind with a child who has decided to use your shoulder as a teething toy while you've been throwing up for three days. Your days are over before you know what happened.
Tomorrow I will finish this list. For tonight, I have spent most of the day still feeling pretty sick, cradling a baby who was miserable most of the day. It is almost 11 and I have missed two days of work being sick and have been too sick or dealing with a cranky infant for most of the day to get much done. We did get to chat via computer call with Chad today. It was super cute. She heard his voice. He said hi to her and she said in her baby speak, "hi da da." She was pretending to hold a phone to her head too. It was super sweet and cute on so many levels.
I think a lot of people really are just ignorant of military life and the realities of how it affects soldiers, wives, families, etc. Most people live in a world where three day business trips are "forever" to spend apart, in which death is a vague possibility not a daily potentiality, and when they are confronted with someone who lives the way we do, they don't know what to say. They feel sympathy, empathy, but don't even begin to understand what we do or what our husbands do. The things they say sound awful to our ears, but are their attempts to understand.
This is a list of things people say trying to get a glimpse into a life that seems so foreign to them, so unbelievably hard.
1. “Aren’t you afraid that he’ll be killed?”
Of course. The reality of modern warfare is death is a reality, but injury is far more likely. Either way, it is terrifying. Truth is people are far more likely to die in traffic than war statistically, but somehow we accept that where as with war, being in mortal danger is unavoidable. We worry everyday. We try not to think about it. We can't. It would be like walking around with an open wound, too painful. We try to focus on other things, like the kids, work, things like counting down the days, writing a blog. Asking us brings it back to the front of our minds. Please don't.
2. “I don’t know how you manage. I don’t think I could do it.”
Maybe you couldn't. A lot of people can't. But I never thought I could either. I almost walked away from dating my husband because he was stationed 5 hours away and in the military. But I couldn't help myself. I fell in love, and I decided that I loved him enough to have half a life with him rather than a whole life without him. If you love your husband as much as I do, you could do it too. You would hate it, cry, scream, get angry, etc. just like I have and will. Army wives are not magical, we're just women who decided a commitment to our marriage was just as important as our husband's commitment to our nation.
3. “At least he’s not in combat.”
Most army wives hear this about once a year. Guys head out for training, school, field exercises, etc. Yes, it is better than combat, but gone is gone. They are gone SO MUCH that any more time gearing up for leaving, saying good-bye and taking on double duty is awful. To some extent, it gets harder and harder with repetition of good-bye. Our worry is less when they are in country, but our hurt isn't.
4. “Do you think he’ll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?”
NO. While sometimes commanding officers will make a point to get a dad home for the birth of his child if at all possible, most times when they leave for deployment, they are gone for a minimum of a year with a two week R&R in approximately the middle. Some MOS's (jobs) deploy more often for shorter times and sometimes the circumstances dictate a longer or shorter deployment, but they leave when they leave and they come back when they come back. If you are VERY lucky, he will get to choose his R&R dates, but we've had to fight for decent R&R every deployment. While he has always had supportive CO's, it is hard to worry every time whether he will get to come home the one week he will have his boys or when I am off work too. If R&R coincides with a special occasion, it is just luck. Chad missed his daughter's first Christmas, winter, Easter, BIRTHDAY! They don't get to come home for anything short of a death or impending serious health issue of a parent, spouse or child. My husband's father was near death for two months. He got to come home about half a week after his father's death. They don't get to come home until the tour is over. It isn't our choice or theirs. There is nothing we can do to have them home.
This is a touchy subject for me because one of my acquaintances once made a comment that Chad must like being gone because he is deployed so much. My husband has never volunteered for a deployment, but has never shirked his duty either. He has been gone 4 years. Not a choice!
5. “What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he’s gone?
This is a reasonable question for some military wives. If you don't work and have no children, then a year deployment can feel like an eternity of days stretching out in front of you. Even if you work, having no children, it can be rough to fill the time, but it does get filled. Once you have a house, pet and children in the picture, you don't worry about filling the days, you worry about having time to sleep and get everything done. You worry about not baking the diapers and freezing the bread. You worry about be patient and kind with a child who has decided to use your shoulder as a teething toy while you've been throwing up for three days. Your days are over before you know what happened.
Tomorrow I will finish this list. For tonight, I have spent most of the day still feeling pretty sick, cradling a baby who was miserable most of the day. It is almost 11 and I have missed two days of work being sick and have been too sick or dealing with a cranky infant for most of the day to get much done. We did get to chat via computer call with Chad today. It was super cute. She heard his voice. He said hi to her and she said in her baby speak, "hi da da." She was pretending to hold a phone to her head too. It was super sweet and cute on so many levels.
Hi there! This might be random, but I found your blog through a Google search for deployment stuff, and I really enjoy reading your posts. It's refreshing to see someone talking about the honest emotions that they are feeling during a deployment -- not just the strong exterior that so many people seem to put up. My boyfriend is in the Navy, and we're just finishing up the first deployment. I'm in grad school and I can't be near the base, so I don't know anyone else who is going through this right now. It's been difficult to deal with all of the emotions that come up over the course of the deployment, and I'm just thankful that I've found your page, where you talk about the good and the bad emotions that are associated with a deployment! I just wish I would have found it earlier on!
ReplyDeleteI really admire you and how strong you must be! Thank you for your honest posts.
Thank you for such supportive and sweet comments. Sounds like you're pretty strong yourself. I hope you found somethings about yourself you didn't know. Anytime you're struggling with something and want me to address it, let me know. I may have already covered it and can send you to the right entry or can write about it just for you.
ReplyDeleteI was not near post during my first deployment with my soldier. We were just dating and no one around me got it. I was new at it so didn't know what I was feeling was normal or what to expect. Makes a huge difference to know what feelings often come up or at least have a plan. When is he back? I will try to write about reintegration before you go through it. It can be tricky to do well.