Day 99: Guilty

Believe it or not feeling guilty is one of the many emotions military spouses deal with over a deployment. We feel guilty about our soldier having such a hard time. We feel guilty when we complain about having so little free time when they have none.  We feel guilty that we are sitting here with all our amenities and they have internet so slow dial-up looks like light speed, they are living in essentially trailers or even tents, some don’t have showers, and others do not even have bathrooms with plumbing.

But the one I hear the most and have felt myself is the guilt of having a life, not hanging around the house waiting for every phone call, not sitting by the computer waiting for every instant message, not waiting up late to Skype. One of my friends was dragging through the entire first semester of school because her husband called her every night at 11 and they talked until close to midnight. She wanted to hear from him and loved that he called daily, but the lack of sleep was starting to drain her. Of course I love him and want him to feel loved. But at what cost? 

Is there too high a cost that is fair for his sacrifice? If I spent every second waiting to be there for him, it still wouldn’t be equal to what he is doing. My sacrifice wouldn’t even come close. But that being said, sitting around waiting for phone calls and emails and instant messages, can’t be allowed to consume your life.

This weekend, I felt like crap. Sinus pressure and allergies again! I don’t even want to talk about it, but while the baby was napping, I sat down to watch some TV episodes on Netflix and fell asleep.

Apparently Chad came on yahoo and was trying to get my attention. I think that the Netflix window superseded all other windows, and his pinging me with random emoticons didn’t come through until I was finished watching the episode, closing the full screen mode.

He finally got internet in his room and is now on the computer all the time. Not always for very long or has much to say, but he comes on for a few minutes several times a day. Every time he does, he tries to shoot me a message or start a chat or email me.

At first, I was really excited because we don’t get to talk much, but he doesn’t have much he is allowed to tell me about what he is doing and it gets a little one-sided to have me doing all the talking or typing as it might be. There were even a few times this week that I told him I was headed to bed or working on something else.

I know he is cool with that. We talk when we can and mostly just say “I love you!” a lot, but I feel like a crappy wife. I used to carry my cell phone everywhere I went just in case he got a chance to call. Now I carry it to keep up with my Words with Friends’ games. I used to mail him care packages once a month. This deployment, I think I’ve sent two. Although in my defense, he now is on a post where he can buy anything he needs whereas our first deployment, I was mailing him body wash and razors and keeping him stocked with baby wipes and slim jims. 

We do keep up more using tools like Facebook now that he has finally broken down and joined. I mail him pictures and DVD's of home videos. He just doesn't need boxes of stuff anymore. But I feel guilty.

I know there are wives who send all sorts of cute care packages with fun little gifts and trinkets or cake in a jar and fun treats. My husband won't eat any of that. I send him protein bars when I do send him a package, but he said that he can even get something similar where he is, so unless he asks for something like a pair of shoes he forgot to bring or something like that, I just don't have much to mail him.

Maybe I am just trying to justify my laziness, but I've never been that girl who can come up with a great box of stuff to make him feel at home. Maybe my husband is just resourceful and doesn't need or want much. He spends most of his free time (when he has any) at the gym. When he does get other time, he watches TV or movies that is easily accessible over there. Heck, they can get movies faster than we do from the Iraqi's. In past deployments, he's seen movies that aren't even out yet over here. 

I still feel guilty. I feel guilty for not doing more for his kids. I feel guilty that I don't go get them on long weekends and don't call them more. I struggle really hard with getting too attached and overstepping my bounds with them. Right or wrong, I have to limit my contact or I worry about them too much. 

Many wives feel guilty about these or similar issues. The times you miss a phone call can be devastating. I remember the first time I missed his call during our first deployment (his second). I was at my sister's house and left the phone upstairs when I went down for breakfast. I raced up the stairs to answer the phone, but missed his call. I cried. I knew it was silly, that he would call again, but it was one of the very first phone calls and I felt horrible for missing it, especially when it took weeks for him to have access to the phone again. 

I didn't put my phone down again for the rest of the year he was gone. I even bought a clip on case so I could wear it all the time. I am not quite so connected now, for one, I usually get a heads up before he tries to call via email, but even our email wasn't so great at that time.

Knowing his life is in danger makes me feel more guilty for enjoying the time I have to do my own things. I enjoy watching my own shows and being on my own schedule. I enjoy having the bed to myself. I sleep better being able to toss and turn without worrying about bothering him or keeping him awake. I like not having to pick up after him, knowing that where I leave something is where I will find it.

Guilty - I feel like that word hangs over my head sometimes. I know I have a right to live, and a right to enjoy my life. I shouldn't suffer just because he does. I already spend a lot of time at home when he is gone, so I know I shouldn't beat myself up too much. But part of the reality of being a military spouse is feeling a gamut of emotions all the time, kind of like having a bunch of windows open on the computer. We can feel several different things at once: lonely, happy, sad, angry, hopeful, bored.

Nothing is simple during a deployment, even the tiniest things can be full of emotions.