Yesterday I started this list. I am trying to be as honest as I can about my feelings while representing some of the things I have heard from friends.
We are fighting a war against people who murdered children. They use innocent children as bombs. They brainwash babes and manipulate women and boys to become murderers. It is dangerous, but the thousands who died in the WTC didn't deserve it and our men are making sure no one ever comes after Americans like that again if we can prevent it. He signed up to protect you. So he could worry just a little less about his baby girl sleeping in her crib being someone's target and a little more about which gun he'll be cleaning on her Prom night. He signed up knowing he might not come home or might come home missing a limb, with a traumatic brain injury, or burned from an IED.
6. “How much longer does he have until he can get out?”
This question can be everything from ignorant and uninformed to insulting. The Army isn't prison. They weren't sentenced to it. They chose to sacrifice and make a difference in this world. Not every soldier is perfect, some are scum. I've heard things about men my husband serves around that makes my skin crawl, but they CHOSE to serve. They signed a commitment of a certain time, usually 4 years, sometimes as few as two, sometimes 6. Until they get close to retirement (20 years) and once they cross a certain threshold, they enlist indefinitely with the understanding that they can retire around 20 years depending on duty status, stop-loss, etc. My husband signed his indef contract this fall in Iraq. He has 7 years before retirement. That means he has given more of his life to protecting our country that most people our age have given to anything.
When someone asks this it comes across disdainful of the job, the duty instead of grateful. Why ask this question at all? What do you care if his contract is up in a year or five? If you're interested truly in this soldier's career, ask instead, "Is he a career soldier?" Usually we will answer with a yes, or "no, he gets out in . . . " Then you have your information without making it sound like our husband's contracted some disease that we have to share. We don't alway love this life, but we chose to stand by them in their sacrifice. I spend a lot of nights near tears. I sleep alone 75% or so of my marriage. I sacrifice myself and my life to support his ability to defend you and our way of life. Try not to make it sound like the plague.
7. “Wow, you must miss him?”
This one doesn't bother me as much as some people. Of course we miss him. But like worrying about his safety, we can't walk around just raw emotion all the time. I have moments when the world collapses around me and I can't breathe for missing him. As I cleaned up for company quickly before my in-laws could see the beginning stages of transmogrifying into a recluse hoarder, I again saw my husband's good watch left carelessly on the headboard, as if he just laid it there moments ago. It broke my heart a little bit.
This can just be a touchy one depending on what kind of day I'm having. First, this is a "duh!" But I understand what you're really saying is, "I can't imagine how hard that must be" or "I sympathize, but don't really understand." So say one of those things. Tell us you care. Ask me how I am today. Understand if I half-smile and shake my head. There are days I can't answer and hold it together.
8. "My husband travels for business all the time. I totally know where you're coming from."
Probably not. The cycle of deployment, R&R, redeployment, block leave, training, deployment readiness, block leave, deployment is the most emotionally challenging thing I have ever gone through over and over and over. While deployments sometimes get easier to manage, they never get easier to deal with. We have no togetherness, then instantaneous 24/7 togetherness, then juggle all the commitments to his family, my family, etc. to make sure he gets to visit everyone. Then we try to make sure the kids get some quality time with daddy. Whatever time and energy is left is what I get. And in the middle of celebrating his return, the clock starts ticking for his next good-bye. I already know my husband will miss next Valentine's Day. He missed this years and last.
Constant traveling occupations might have some similar issues, but it isn't the same. We live under that threat of violence constantly. The men who leave us and the men who come home are not always the same men. The things they see change them and make coming home harder. We never get into a routine for longer than a few months for our entire adult lives. Most people have a schedule or a normal. We never do. Just is. If we do get lucky enough to get to have him home (stateside) for a few years in a row, he has probably pulled a job that keeps him away from home most of the time. One of my friends feels lucky that her husband and she get to be together for almost three years, the first two years of their brand new son's life, but to do it - they had to get stationed in Korea. While they are both adventurers, a foreign land literally oceans away from every family member or friend, isn't an easy or "normal" either.
9. “Well, he signed up for it, so it’s his own fault whatever happens over there."
This is like saying, you got into a car this morning. You deserved that accident. I mean, you knew the risks. Don't you know that accidents are the 5th leading cause of death in this country? How dare you drive a car.
He signed up for it, because you won't. Just say Thank you! But no one deserves to die violently unless they are the perpetrators of evil. No one deserves to give up years of their lives to fight evil. This is a calling - like being a priest, nun, teacher, social worker. Not everyone can. Some who sign up, shouldn't have. The ones who can and do year after year, do so in order that you might sleep free tonight and have the ability to say hurtful things like that. So don't mind me if I ignore you, I'm trying to take the high ground.
10. Aren't you afraid he'll cheat?
More soldiers cheat than we'd like to know about. More men cheat than we want to acknowledge. You can't stop them from cheating. You can't control them. Worrying about it will only make you crazy. Trust him until you have a reason not to, then cross that bridge. Besides I've been cheated on by a guy who worked five minutes from the house. He lied and manipulated and schemed. A lot of the cheating soldiers aren't away, they're here cheating with the deployed soldiers' wives. People are crappy. They do crappy things. Don't marry a dirtbag if you can help it. Being a soldier isn't a guarantee one way or another.
Do everything you can to communicate honestly and openly. Make sure to have an honestly only policy and a rule that neither of you EVER do anything that would make the other suspicious. If that is a two way rule, it should keep both of you conscious of how to protect the trust in your relationship. I honestly don't worry about him cheating on me. If at all, less than a fleeting thought once in awhile. What would I do about it anyway? We've both been cheated on in our lives and know how much it hurts, so we've talked about it at length. All we can control is ourselves.
Ok, way past bedtime so one last issue to address - sex. If we worry about cheating, then next question has something to do with sex. It is hard to go without it, at first. After about two weeks, the physical need diminishes, just like quitting smoking. You get a twinge every so often, but really the longer the switch is off, the less it flickers. It is actually harder for me when he comes back to flip it back on like a switch. Sex is the least of your worries. You get over it quickly. If you love your spouse, you love him/her enough to only want to share that intimacy with him/her. That and some discipline to stay away from being alone or in unnecessary social situations with members of the opposite sex, should make it bearable. Honestly, not thinking about it works the best for me. Also the longer we're married, the more our marriage grows and becomes about being partners, friends, soulmates than I ever could have imagined. Sex is the icing, not the glue.
Civilians - Next time you run into a military wife, remember emotions run high during deployment. Do more listening than talking. Be an ear, not an interrogator. Just let her tell you what is hard or painful. And remember that is just today. Tomorrow it might be something else. Every day is a new challenge. If you're curious, try to ask about being in the military. You will get your questions answered, get a sense of our mood and maybe make a friend.
AW - Next time some civilian makes an ignorant or hurtful comment, remember most of it comes from ignorance and an attempt to demonstrate sympathy. Try talking to them. And we know what we do, what we go through, how hard it is, what our soldiers face. We do it all alone all the time, what do we care what some idiot thinks? Do you need this random person to validate you? Does this friend know what she said hurt? Try to grasp where the question/comment comes from and decide to answer and educate or ignore and move on. Either way, don't waste time on fruitless tasks. You can't argue with crazy. Crazy always wins because they don't know what you're talking about. That would be like arguing calculus with my dog. Pointless. Be better than that.
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