In the past 24 hours, I watched my sister's son have three or four complete meltdowns. He didn't get his way and got angry. In his anger, he lost control and basically threw a hissy fit. He screamed, demanded his way, shouted and was defiant. He is five, so this behavior is understandable, but unacceptable.
Did my sister deal with it the way I might have, maybe not, but after having my stepsons and baby throw some winners, I have understood that parenting is more subjective than black and white. You can use different words or actions but with varying degrees of success. One technique might get him to cease the meltdown faster, but not teach him to control himself in the long run.
My daughter today was in a mood as well, maybe there is something in the water. She was pretending to drink out of a pumpkin sippy cup. I told her I would put some water in it to drink and give it back. Lil Bit has some lungs let me tell you!! She screamed bloody murder until I gave it back. She pitched a fit about everything I tried to feed her at dinner, and screamed with rage and fury when I was not presenting her with her frozen juice pop at a speed commensurate with her ability to ingest said Mott's freezer pop.
Nothing made her happy this afternoon and I couldn't do much about it. I managed to keep her calm and appeased for the most part, but she still had three massive screaming fits, which for a one year old who can't tell me what she needs or wants or what hurts is par for the course some days, but makes you realize that most parents of children throwing fits are completely lost as to what to do or are ignoring the behavior as part of a less immediate way to deal with the behavior.
The second that child resorts to a tantrum in public is the most humiliating and immobilizing moment, almost like a deer in the headlights. You want to throw a blanket over them, hide the behavior and simultaneously magically create a perfect child behavior to save face in the store, mall, friend's house, in front of your visiting sister and mother. In that second you feel like everyone is looking at you and thinking, what a disaster of a parent!
We have a tendency to judge too quickly, especially parenting, but each child and family have accepted rules, mores, norms that are part of the way they live, handle family roles, deal with emotions. What my family considered normal, you might think was ridiculous or inappropriate. I may not agree with a lot of parenting choices, but it tends to be only the very worst parenting shows up on our radar. We may see the playground "bully" pull our kid off the swing and not have heard him ask nicely for a turn before losing patience. We see the negative behavior, but not that his parents have been working for weeks on impulse control or patience.
Children even at one are little independent people who want what they want when they want it. As we mature, we realize social benefits to patience, delayed gratification, kindness, empathy, but as children, we are walking bundles of need and want. Just as you couldn't walk up to a random 40 year old man and order him around, getting your children to behave perfectly reasonably for an adult isn't going to happen much of the time. If you get it to happen 80% of the time, even with reminders and coaching, you're probably doing an amazing job.
My sister is very patient with her children. She and her husband do their best to avoid spanking. They explain why rules are the way they are, they establish expectations and consequences for failing to meet expectations. Most of the expectations for the kids are pretty much what my rules would be and are age appropriate. They might tolerate more back talk than I might or might be trying to demonstrate extra patience with company here, but they are doing the best job any parents could. Sometimes children are just children.
And the next time you see a mother dragging a tantrum throwing child through Wal-Mart, stop and ask yourself if it were your child, really what would you do? Give in to every whim? Probably not, so what would be your strategy when "no" doesn't cut it? Let them scream and cry, drawing every eye? Dragging them out of the store and going home? Spanking them right there? Ignoring them and continue to shop while your little darling screams like someone drove a steak knife through his eye?
Parenting is hard. You're trying to make sure every lesson, reason, rule is part of the grown-up person you hope your child becomes. And somedays, you're just hoping you have enough patience to allow them to grow up without drinking . . . too often, at least.
Did my sister deal with it the way I might have, maybe not, but after having my stepsons and baby throw some winners, I have understood that parenting is more subjective than black and white. You can use different words or actions but with varying degrees of success. One technique might get him to cease the meltdown faster, but not teach him to control himself in the long run.
My daughter today was in a mood as well, maybe there is something in the water. She was pretending to drink out of a pumpkin sippy cup. I told her I would put some water in it to drink and give it back. Lil Bit has some lungs let me tell you!! She screamed bloody murder until I gave it back. She pitched a fit about everything I tried to feed her at dinner, and screamed with rage and fury when I was not presenting her with her frozen juice pop at a speed commensurate with her ability to ingest said Mott's freezer pop.
Nothing made her happy this afternoon and I couldn't do much about it. I managed to keep her calm and appeased for the most part, but she still had three massive screaming fits, which for a one year old who can't tell me what she needs or wants or what hurts is par for the course some days, but makes you realize that most parents of children throwing fits are completely lost as to what to do or are ignoring the behavior as part of a less immediate way to deal with the behavior.
The second that child resorts to a tantrum in public is the most humiliating and immobilizing moment, almost like a deer in the headlights. You want to throw a blanket over them, hide the behavior and simultaneously magically create a perfect child behavior to save face in the store, mall, friend's house, in front of your visiting sister and mother. In that second you feel like everyone is looking at you and thinking, what a disaster of a parent!
We have a tendency to judge too quickly, especially parenting, but each child and family have accepted rules, mores, norms that are part of the way they live, handle family roles, deal with emotions. What my family considered normal, you might think was ridiculous or inappropriate. I may not agree with a lot of parenting choices, but it tends to be only the very worst parenting shows up on our radar. We may see the playground "bully" pull our kid off the swing and not have heard him ask nicely for a turn before losing patience. We see the negative behavior, but not that his parents have been working for weeks on impulse control or patience.
Children even at one are little independent people who want what they want when they want it. As we mature, we realize social benefits to patience, delayed gratification, kindness, empathy, but as children, we are walking bundles of need and want. Just as you couldn't walk up to a random 40 year old man and order him around, getting your children to behave perfectly reasonably for an adult isn't going to happen much of the time. If you get it to happen 80% of the time, even with reminders and coaching, you're probably doing an amazing job.
My sister is very patient with her children. She and her husband do their best to avoid spanking. They explain why rules are the way they are, they establish expectations and consequences for failing to meet expectations. Most of the expectations for the kids are pretty much what my rules would be and are age appropriate. They might tolerate more back talk than I might or might be trying to demonstrate extra patience with company here, but they are doing the best job any parents could. Sometimes children are just children.
And the next time you see a mother dragging a tantrum throwing child through Wal-Mart, stop and ask yourself if it were your child, really what would you do? Give in to every whim? Probably not, so what would be your strategy when "no" doesn't cut it? Let them scream and cry, drawing every eye? Dragging them out of the store and going home? Spanking them right there? Ignoring them and continue to shop while your little darling screams like someone drove a steak knife through his eye?
Parenting is hard. You're trying to make sure every lesson, reason, rule is part of the grown-up person you hope your child becomes. And somedays, you're just hoping you have enough patience to allow them to grow up without drinking . . . too often, at least.
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