This is hard for me to write about, but I've been overweight much of my adult life. I've fought it every day or succumbed to defeat and gone off my strict diet. I started gaining weight at the very end of college. I got up to a size 22 before I realized how horrible I felt living like that.
I lost the weight and kept it off for a few years by smoking cigarettes and not eating and walking a lot. But the second I started eating normally again, I would gain the weight back. And I did. I got up to over 200 lbs. and started dieting again. It took me a good year before I lost all the weight, but I walked and walked on the bike trail and lost the weight. I also was smoking a lot and eating very little.
I looked great, got down to a size 2, but was probably near anorexia. I was eating some, under 1000 calories a day, just not enough. But the second I started eating normally I started gaining weight again. I've been fighting it off and on since I met my husband. I eat better when he is deployed because I refuse to cook for myself most of the time. Which is really a double-edged sword - good when I am able to control the cravings and eat my lean cuisine, and bad when my hungrier demons convince me to order pizza.
The last deployment I lost about 40 lbs. It wasn't nearly what I wanted to lose, but it was close enough that I didn't feel like a whale in Cancun, but I gained just about every pound back and this deployment has been harder. My body is getting older and frankly with being more stressed and busier, I haven't been as dedicated to losing the weight as I needed to be. It was hard to exercise with a baby when she was too little to ride in the jogging stroller. And when it was all I could do to get home and spend time with her, I didn't want to take those precious few hours and use them to exercise. I just wanted to be with her. Now that I have the time to exercise, I'm killing myself to lose at least some weight before my husband gets home. I ran four miles today. Did two workout routines and ate around 1000 calories today.
The hard part about it isn't the constant struggle so much as it is the overwhelming self-loathing. Our society is all about THIN. Being fat is like a plague or at least feels like one. When everyone around you is skinny, being fat feels like an accusation. It feels like everyone is looking at you and judging everything you wear, how lumpy you look in it, what you order in a restaurant, and some days it feels like being heavy means you don't deserve to live. Not literally, but not in public. I feel like our society doesn't want to see you if you aren't movie star perfect. When someone walks past us in Walmart wearing something three sizes too small, we take their picture and upload it to Facebook or People of Walmart so everyone can share our laugh.
People who've always been thin and never struggled with their weight, don't get it. I have friends who work out like fiends, but are pencil thin. They are too skinny and don't really have any idea what it is like to be overweight. They don't understand that we feel put down in every situation whether anyone is actually thinking it or not. They don't understand that an invitation to go to the pool with them makes us feel like even bigger whales. While I am glad my friends want to include me, they all look like super models and don't have any idea how much the weight weighs on me.
People look at me and see the size 16. They don't see that I eat the same breakfast, lunch and snack everyday because I have the calories measured out exactly, 700 or so for all three. That gives me 500 or so to eat in the evenings for snacks and meals and maintain a calorie burn of 300 calories without any additional exercise. I ate like this all year and still didn't lose weight. I ordered pizza a few too many times, but one pizza would last me four days at least. It isn't like I ate half of it at one sitting. The worst pigging out was three slices most of the time.
You would think that as tired as I am of living this half life, where I hide in my house so people don't see and judge how ugly I am, have events that I don't want to attend because I don't have anything to wear that hides me enough. I will stress for weeks about attending an event because I feel so fat. I dread visiting friends and family because I don't look they way I wish I did.
I even struggle with looking forward to my husband's return because I am ashamed of the way I look. I don't know which is really eating at me, the struggle to be thin or the struggle to accept this is who I am. I have run four miles seven times in the last week. I have eaten frozen dinners, grilled chicken, and cereal for dinner. I have lost the same 7 lbs. four times since New Years.
There really isn't an end to this blog because I don't have an ending. This is something that I will struggle with until I die. I feel like a perpetual failure. I feel unworthy of having friends, going out. I hide and hide and hide until I've lost enough weight I feel less horrifying.
gasp} large pore is visible.
How do we live with messages that preach a perfection that few can attain? We're all broken some on the inside and some on the outside, but most a little bit of both. How am I supposed to raise my daughter to like herself, the way she is, when I hate the way I look? How on one hand can I feel like summoning all my strength to let go of the pain and just accept that this is who I am, loving, caring, funny, organized, perfectionist, fluffy and on the other want to beat this stupid thing once and for all. I've beaten it back so many times I can't count, but never beaten it. I only lose less weight the next time I try.
I just say to you, if you're not overweight, spend some time today thinking about everything you put in your mouth. Imagine you couldn't just eat without counting every fat gram, every calorie. Imagine you had to decide your wardrobe for the day based on what made you look least like one of Dr. Oz's fat globs. Imagine how much it hurts to feel like the whole world thinks you're a disaster because of your physical self. Especially in our culture where we can forgive ugly, cruel, but never fat.
I lost the weight and kept it off for a few years by smoking cigarettes and not eating and walking a lot. But the second I started eating normally again, I would gain the weight back. And I did. I got up to over 200 lbs. and started dieting again. It took me a good year before I lost all the weight, but I walked and walked on the bike trail and lost the weight. I also was smoking a lot and eating very little.
I looked great, got down to a size 2, but was probably near anorexia. I was eating some, under 1000 calories a day, just not enough. But the second I started eating normally I started gaining weight again. I've been fighting it off and on since I met my husband. I eat better when he is deployed because I refuse to cook for myself most of the time. Which is really a double-edged sword - good when I am able to control the cravings and eat my lean cuisine, and bad when my hungrier demons convince me to order pizza.
The last deployment I lost about 40 lbs. It wasn't nearly what I wanted to lose, but it was close enough that I didn't feel like a whale in Cancun, but I gained just about every pound back and this deployment has been harder. My body is getting older and frankly with being more stressed and busier, I haven't been as dedicated to losing the weight as I needed to be. It was hard to exercise with a baby when she was too little to ride in the jogging stroller. And when it was all I could do to get home and spend time with her, I didn't want to take those precious few hours and use them to exercise. I just wanted to be with her. Now that I have the time to exercise, I'm killing myself to lose at least some weight before my husband gets home. I ran four miles today. Did two workout routines and ate around 1000 calories today.
The hard part about it isn't the constant struggle so much as it is the overwhelming self-loathing. Our society is all about THIN. Being fat is like a plague or at least feels like one. When everyone around you is skinny, being fat feels like an accusation. It feels like everyone is looking at you and judging everything you wear, how lumpy you look in it, what you order in a restaurant, and some days it feels like being heavy means you don't deserve to live. Not literally, but not in public. I feel like our society doesn't want to see you if you aren't movie star perfect. When someone walks past us in Walmart wearing something three sizes too small, we take their picture and upload it to Facebook or People of Walmart so everyone can share our laugh.
People who've always been thin and never struggled with their weight, don't get it. I have friends who work out like fiends, but are pencil thin. They are too skinny and don't really have any idea what it is like to be overweight. They don't understand that we feel put down in every situation whether anyone is actually thinking it or not. They don't understand that an invitation to go to the pool with them makes us feel like even bigger whales. While I am glad my friends want to include me, they all look like super models and don't have any idea how much the weight weighs on me.
People look at me and see the size 16. They don't see that I eat the same breakfast, lunch and snack everyday because I have the calories measured out exactly, 700 or so for all three. That gives me 500 or so to eat in the evenings for snacks and meals and maintain a calorie burn of 300 calories without any additional exercise. I ate like this all year and still didn't lose weight. I ordered pizza a few too many times, but one pizza would last me four days at least. It isn't like I ate half of it at one sitting. The worst pigging out was three slices most of the time.
You would think that as tired as I am of living this half life, where I hide in my house so people don't see and judge how ugly I am, have events that I don't want to attend because I don't have anything to wear that hides me enough. I will stress for weeks about attending an event because I feel so fat. I dread visiting friends and family because I don't look they way I wish I did.
I even struggle with looking forward to my husband's return because I am ashamed of the way I look. I don't know which is really eating at me, the struggle to be thin or the struggle to accept this is who I am. I have run four miles seven times in the last week. I have eaten frozen dinners, grilled chicken, and cereal for dinner. I have lost the same 7 lbs. four times since New Years.
There really isn't an end to this blog because I don't have an ending. This is something that I will struggle with until I die. I feel like a perpetual failure. I feel unworthy of having friends, going out. I hide and hide and hide until I've lost enough weight I feel less horrifying.
gasp} large pore is visible.
How do we live with messages that preach a perfection that few can attain? We're all broken some on the inside and some on the outside, but most a little bit of both. How am I supposed to raise my daughter to like herself, the way she is, when I hate the way I look? How on one hand can I feel like summoning all my strength to let go of the pain and just accept that this is who I am, loving, caring, funny, organized, perfectionist, fluffy and on the other want to beat this stupid thing once and for all. I've beaten it back so many times I can't count, but never beaten it. I only lose less weight the next time I try.
I just say to you, if you're not overweight, spend some time today thinking about everything you put in your mouth. Imagine you couldn't just eat without counting every fat gram, every calorie. Imagine you had to decide your wardrobe for the day based on what made you look least like one of Dr. Oz's fat globs. Imagine how much it hurts to feel like the whole world thinks you're a disaster because of your physical self. Especially in our culture where we can forgive ugly, cruel, but never fat.
I don't even know you and I just want to give you a big hug! As a kid, I was always the "chunkiest" compared with my three other siblings, and they never let me forget it then. I never remember a time feeling skinny, even when I was a size two in high school (accomplished mainly through not eating). Even though I'd probably be considered "average" now, I constantly critique myself and count calories and always "feel fat."
ReplyDeleteIt's not fair that so many women and men feel this way. I know that feeling or thinking about fat can be pervasive in all activities throughout the day, from watching the news in the morning to going for a run to driving in a car -- it never leaves someone alone! I know it's exhausting and it can feel very lonely. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel a little better. You aren't alone though.
I really do appreciate the honesty in all of your posts. In fact, I really identify with the things you write about. I wish I could just give you a big hug! But know that you aren't alone and God loves you just the way you are!