I've written about being tired as a "single" mom, as a teacher, and as a lonely army wife, but today was reminded that I'm the lucky one.
My husband emailed me and is just wiped out. He's been more tired this deployment than previous ones. The war in Iraq is supposed to be finishing, but I'm not sure that is really happening. He can't tell me much about what he is doing or where, but he tells me how busy he is working until 3 a.m. And he tells me that he is spending more time outside of the wire than in.
Physically, he is completely wiped out. I can't speak for anyone else over there, but he is working 12-16 hours a day or more. I know he's had nights that he had four hours to eat, shower, email, and sleep. I know I've spent the last 13 months more sleep deprived than I've been since college. I've had some nights of a good 8 or 9 hours, but few and far between. Last night, I think I got 6 hours. Most nights during the school year, I had 5-6 hours.
And I constantly felt run down, like I needed to mainline caffeine. Whenever I tried to go off the caffeine, I would spend days sleeping. It was hard enough trying to teach high school students and mother a one year old tired. My husband is going into combat sleep deprived. I'm not sure how that is safe or a good idea. I know they're tough guys, but I would rather my husband not have slowed reflexes and a cranky, impatient disposition when he meets the bad guys.
Emotionally, he is broken down. He misses his home. I love going on vacation, but always love coming home. There is a security to your own environment and a level of relaxation home provides that nowhere else does. He misses his sons. He doesn't get to talk to them much, spend time with them, go to baseball games or band concerts. He has missed so much of his daughter's precious firsts. I know that he misses hearing her baby babbling and seeing her in person. I break down over having to leave her for a few hours a day. I know that he is tired of losing years at a time with his children.
I know he misses me too. We are truly best friends. Sometimes I feel like the odd man out with my friends, but really I choose to be in some ways because when he is home, I don't want to be anywhere else but with him. Obviously, because we spend so much time apart, it is hard to choose to be apart too often, but mostly we really just like each other best. I miss having him here, that person who gets me without having to explain or try. I'm sure he feels that way too.
Psychologically he is tired. He misses privacy. On top of the whole WAR thing, he never has any time to himself. He had a couple of weeks when his roommate was on R&R that he had a room to himself, but that was it. He isn't alone, ever. I would lose my mind. I enjoy being alone often. I like social activities, but in small doses. I can do with a few minutes of human contact a day. Other than my daughter, my only contact with other people was a few text messages and I didn't feel lonely at all.
He is on guard 24/7. Sometimes he is actually on guard duty. Sometimes he is actually on convoys or patrols. But even when he isn't "on duty," he has to be on his guard. Every sound has to be gauged in his head and assigned a threat level. Every car on the street has to be on his personal radar and treated as a possible insurgent. A child on the street wearing the wrong clothes could have a bomb strapped to him. Even a baby has to be treated like a potential threat. He never gets to turn off, relax, let his defenses down.
And he is just tired. Tired of it all. While we know that this is part of being a soldier, that doesn't make it any easier. I hurt for him. I can't make it any better. Even when he gets home, he will struggle with turning off. Last time, he slept every afternoon and night for around three months. After a year of not seeing him at all, I had to find it in myself to be patient with his exhaustion. It was heart breaking to not really get to spend time with him.
I wish his getting home would be the relief we both need, but by the time he starts being able to just be home, he will be getting ready to head off to school again. But I can't focus on that right now. All I can do is focus on having him home again. And prepare myself to do what I can to make it easy for him to rest.
My husband emailed me and is just wiped out. He's been more tired this deployment than previous ones. The war in Iraq is supposed to be finishing, but I'm not sure that is really happening. He can't tell me much about what he is doing or where, but he tells me how busy he is working until 3 a.m. And he tells me that he is spending more time outside of the wire than in.
Physically, he is completely wiped out. I can't speak for anyone else over there, but he is working 12-16 hours a day or more. I know he's had nights that he had four hours to eat, shower, email, and sleep. I know I've spent the last 13 months more sleep deprived than I've been since college. I've had some nights of a good 8 or 9 hours, but few and far between. Last night, I think I got 6 hours. Most nights during the school year, I had 5-6 hours.
And I constantly felt run down, like I needed to mainline caffeine. Whenever I tried to go off the caffeine, I would spend days sleeping. It was hard enough trying to teach high school students and mother a one year old tired. My husband is going into combat sleep deprived. I'm not sure how that is safe or a good idea. I know they're tough guys, but I would rather my husband not have slowed reflexes and a cranky, impatient disposition when he meets the bad guys.
Emotionally, he is broken down. He misses his home. I love going on vacation, but always love coming home. There is a security to your own environment and a level of relaxation home provides that nowhere else does. He misses his sons. He doesn't get to talk to them much, spend time with them, go to baseball games or band concerts. He has missed so much of his daughter's precious firsts. I know that he misses hearing her baby babbling and seeing her in person. I break down over having to leave her for a few hours a day. I know that he is tired of losing years at a time with his children.
I know he misses me too. We are truly best friends. Sometimes I feel like the odd man out with my friends, but really I choose to be in some ways because when he is home, I don't want to be anywhere else but with him. Obviously, because we spend so much time apart, it is hard to choose to be apart too often, but mostly we really just like each other best. I miss having him here, that person who gets me without having to explain or try. I'm sure he feels that way too.
Psychologically he is tired. He misses privacy. On top of the whole WAR thing, he never has any time to himself. He had a couple of weeks when his roommate was on R&R that he had a room to himself, but that was it. He isn't alone, ever. I would lose my mind. I enjoy being alone often. I like social activities, but in small doses. I can do with a few minutes of human contact a day. Other than my daughter, my only contact with other people was a few text messages and I didn't feel lonely at all.
He is on guard 24/7. Sometimes he is actually on guard duty. Sometimes he is actually on convoys or patrols. But even when he isn't "on duty," he has to be on his guard. Every sound has to be gauged in his head and assigned a threat level. Every car on the street has to be on his personal radar and treated as a possible insurgent. A child on the street wearing the wrong clothes could have a bomb strapped to him. Even a baby has to be treated like a potential threat. He never gets to turn off, relax, let his defenses down.
And he is just tired. Tired of it all. While we know that this is part of being a soldier, that doesn't make it any easier. I hurt for him. I can't make it any better. Even when he gets home, he will struggle with turning off. Last time, he slept every afternoon and night for around three months. After a year of not seeing him at all, I had to find it in myself to be patient with his exhaustion. It was heart breaking to not really get to spend time with him.
I wish his getting home would be the relief we both need, but by the time he starts being able to just be home, he will be getting ready to head off to school again. But I can't focus on that right now. All I can do is focus on having him home again. And prepare myself to do what I can to make it easy for him to rest.
No comments:
Post a Comment