Day 329: Time to go home yet?

It is four o'clock and all I can think is, "Hey, I've been turned into a cow, can I go home?" Those of you with children or a penchant for kids' movies might recognize this as a line from "The Emperor's New Groove." Something about this line always struck me as the utter frustration with work, I just need to leave kind of excuse. Yes, I know, udder and utter - I am so punny today.

Motherhood has turned me into a moron. I know pregnancy can affect the memory and efficacy of mental function, but I don't have hormones to blame. I just can't concentrate or focus on anything important. I feel like I am half awake 90% of the time and completely mentally absent about the same percentage. I find myself just staring into space. During my last class today, in the middle of a sentence, my train of thought decided to abandon the tracks. I went dead silent. All the kids were wondering what happened and who was in trouble. I just couldn't remember what I wanted to say about an Alexander Pushkin poem being an allusion to a Russian folk tale.

I know some of it is lack of sleep, heck maybe all of it. For those faithful readers, I know I promised to be in bed early last night, but it was not to be. A few minutes before ten, in my jammies, teeth brushed, vitamins taken, I went to put the baby to bed. When I came back to close up the computer, I noticed an IM from dear hubby. The icon showed he was still online. I immediately replied, but got no answer. I waited. First 15, then 20 minutes passed and no answer. Then he showed as idle, but still logged in. Previous deployments, we have had a conversation or email pretty much daily. This deployment I hear from him less than once a week so far, so seeing him online and missing him was really tough. So I waited. I waited and then I typed in - in five minutes I am going to bed. 10:58, he comes back from breakfast and says hello.

Of course I am all excited to talk to him, but I then didn't get to bed until midnight. Lil Bit is going through a hungry phase and has been waking up at 5, just 45 minutes before my alarm, needing to eat. While my body has gotten used to this 11-12 bedtime and I can stay awake most days, with some caffeinated assistance, my mind is gone. I feel catatonic. During my collaborative teaching time, I sometimes feel like I am just staring blankly at everyone... perhaps because I am. I certainly don't get much productive thought accomplished between the joint silliness of our wonderful group of friendly colleagues and my apparent state of moronity. I don't think that is a word, but am going with it.

I wonder - with 36 more weeks of school (which is a lot even though it doesn't sound like it) if I can make it. I can't get things graded or focus well enough to plan. I spend most of my afternoons just wondering if I can go home yet. While not a cow, feels like a good excuse. Think my principal'd notice if I used it on the sign out sheet?

Mmmm - oh, look, time to go home!!!