Day 347

Today was a very lazy day, both Lil Bit and I got caught up on naps and I finished watching the entire season of "The United States of Tara," a very bizarre show about a woman with multiple personalities. While the show delves into deep issues of mental illness and how our pasts create and shape us, it made me remember a sillier time.

When I was a teenager, some friends of mine and I pretended we had multiple personalities. We were a little strange - I know. But it was very freeing. We named them and created back stories for each. I don't remember how many I ended up with. I think it was around 50. What was interesting was that Jenny, Cathy and I took each different aspect of ourselves, our whims and interests and explored them. We pretended to be all these different people. There were days we spoke entirely in French. Days we pretended to be small children.

It is too bad as adults, we can't let ourselves be silly, or even different. We don't want to stand out. Our culture seems to discourage individuality despite our protestations of independent thinking. We socially punish people who don't fit our molds.

And we quit exploring who we are. What a shame that we go to college, get jobs and pigeonhole ourselves into an idea of who we are. I was very lucky that 11 years into my teaching job in a small town with too many small minded people, I met someone who saw the best pieces of me and offered to take me on an adventure. While this adventure has its ups and downs, with every new place, I am offered an opportunity to reinvent myself over and over.

Here right now, with Lil Bit and the challenge I am facing to stay home with her, I am again looking into the mirror of who I have been and deciding which pieces of her I will keep. Does this give me a chance to explore some other sides of myself? If I walk away from teaching, what am I walking toward, just being a mom? While certainly noble and something I want very much, what else can I do and who else will I be?

What will Lil Bit remember about her mother as a child? I want her to remember that I was happy, relaxed, and fun. Those have to be the pieces of me I keep. What pieces do I discard? What new pieces will I find? Can who I am be fluid?

While I am sad and longing for him today, one of the benefits of being a military wife is the time I can spend introspectively. No sense only looking at the downsides. Another thing I will keep is that I can always find a bright side, even if I sometimes need some hindsight perspective.