Day 338: Getting to sleep

I promised I would write about this a few days ago and literally couldn't last night because I decided it was time to take the bull by horns and hit the sack. Enough cliches for you?

I don't think I am the only person who goes through this, but I won't speak for us all. I have a hard time going to bed when my husband is gone. I sleep just fine when I do sleep, especially with our small bed all to myself and no extraneous snoring heat source. But it is the going to bed that is the real struggle. I am having a hard time finding the words to describe this feeling, but when he is gone sometimes the thought of facing the empty bed and the even more empty next day makes it hard for me to want to go to bed.

I find myself, exhausted, on the couch, playing Facebook Farkle instead of getting the desperately needed sleep. I deliberately waste time instead of face sleep with only the seeming sea of husband-empty days, the loneliness, and the hectic franticness to look forward to.

They say depression makes you sleep a lot, but I am feeling like the sadness keeps me up. Maybe it is the stress from having all the weight on my shoulders that makes it hard for me to want to go to sleep. I don't know, but as I was talking yesterday to my MiL, I realized that this isn't new this deployment. I think his first deployment when we hadn't lived together yet, was easier in this respect because I wasn't used to having him around the house, the sounds of him shuffling around in the kitchen, slamming drawers and clinking silverware, or brewing coffee in the morning and kissing me good-bye. The second deployment, we had been married 16 months when he left and had been home for a really good stretch of time before he left. I remember going through this for the first month or so after he left. 

I am tired, want to sleep, but just can't seem to drag myself off to bed. While this would seem counter intuitive, being that going to sleep would just be that much closer to his return, it really it hard to get myself to bed. Maybe even subconsciously, I am more aware of his absence in the evenings and at bedtime. The days mostly rush by and I don't know where they went, but the nights feel more empty, the house is quieter without him in it. I do know that a year of feeling like a zombie isn't going to cut it. I am going to have to make myself be physically in bed every night at ten. If I don't fall asleep, then I don't, but I have to at least give myself the chance. While this may cut down on the number of completely worthless Farkle chips I accumulate, I have to be willing to live life on the edge - before I find myself standing on one!