Sunday, September 5, 2010

Day 353: Lonely

Today is a really rough entry because there isn't any one focus area. I feel a little bipolar - up, then down, up, then down, stressed and wiped, then worried and lonely. I don't know that I have felt much of anything consistently today except tired.

The reality of his being gone is starting to seep in. A week is just another day in the life of a military wife at this point, but the second week starts to feel real. They leave and the first few days feel a little surreal, like you just won the "I get the remote/no sharing the covers" lottery. After I get my first real cry in, the peace and calm feels a little nice, some "me" time, but that doesn't last very long. About two weeks into the deployment, something happens. For me it feels like a thunderstorm slowly crawling over the landscape. At first, the sky barely seems to darken, happening so gradually, that you're not sure when it got so dark, but then next thing you know, the rain starts to pour down on my "me" picnic.

The tears haven't started yet, but I know they are looming. I am fighting them off with finally watching "Twilight," a guilty leisure activity and I pay-per-viewed New Moon. And I'm trying not to stuff myself with frozen pizza and bread sticks. This is just the first of various holiday weekends that I will be alone.

I have a good set of caring people around me, but it isn't the same. He and I fit like two pieces cut from the same piece of wood. Our strange edges that lock us out of belonging from others are what bring us together. I am now the odd one out, third wheel, now with a new convenient travel companion. All the fun single girl type things I could do last deployment are now pretty much out of the question. Even when I have someone offer to watch Lil Bit, I can't imagine leaving her for even a few hours.

Tomorrow, she turns four months. She is too little for cake and ice cream celebrations, but the idea makes me realize that Chad will miss her actual first birthday and the missing him, his missing her makes the tears come . . .

Here comes the rain again
Falling on my head like a memory
Falling on my head like a new emotion
I want to walk in the open wind
I want to talk like lovers do
I want to dive into your ocean
Is it raining with you

and this song feels like the tears raining down. I hope he knows I am thinking of him right now.

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