Sunday, September 26, 2010

Day 332: My old friend

Hello, Sunday, my old friend, I had forgotten how lonely you could feel.

I sit here this afternoon, holding my baby girl, kissing her tiny forehead,  and I realize that my arms hurt. Yes, from holding a heavy baby seat, but mostly in the figurative sense, they are empty and miss the feel of holding him. After two days of sitting around the house alone, a month of being on my own, I miss him. Not the idea of him, not having help around the house, but for real, ache in the silent places miss him, curl up and cry miss him - the feel of his hand against mine, or hearing his laugh, or watching him be so gentle with Lil Bit.

As much as I hate to leave my now squealing (so cute!) Lil Bit every day, I wonder if having to work this year is saving me from feeling this way more often and drowning in a sea of sadness. I am so busy I don't have time to think or feel anything but drained and tired most days.

I have slept, exercised, need to eat something, but am pretty much on track for Sunday afternoon. I need to get dinner, make lunch and breakfast, etc. so starts my busy week and thus a release from my thoughts. But in the midst of my, so far mostly mental, preparations, creeps in this ache and desire to see his smile. I have swallowed a lead weight. I must be having an allergic reaction to it that is making my eyes water.

I can't sit and let it overtake me right now, too much to do, I think. But I do promise myself, if I am still feeling melancholy at bedtime, I can cry. Perhaps I will open a bottle of something new and update my wine blog, or just drink it! Maybe the sadness will pass, maybe it won't. But work is a little more appealing tomorrow than it usually is on Mondays. At least I won't have time to realize how much I am missing my best friend. Manic Monday here I come.

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