Day 354: Crash and burn

I don't know how people do this. I know women have been single mothers or the equivalent with many more children and in much worse financial situations than I. After two weeks of trying to do this all, I feel like a bulldozer ran over me and then backed up to finish the job.  Every minute of everyday is accounted for and full.

Sunday I scrambled eggs and premade ham and cheese patties for my breakfast sandwiches for the week. Monday through Friday, I run home, after being out from 7:15-5:15, with my daughter from daycare, rinse out her bottles. While the water warms up to wash them, I clean out the coffee pot and make coffee for tomorrow. Then I wash and sterilize the day's bottles and make three more for tonight and tomorrow. Then I feed her or I start with feeding her, really depends on the volume of her crying! After that, it is time to empty and clean her bottle bag and my lunch bag. If she is napping or content, I then worry about some sort of dinner for me. So far that has been frozen dinner or leftovers from things we made before Chad left. Then I make lunch and wash dishes, lay out her clothes and mine and sit down to feed and snuggle Lil Bit again. Plus let out dog, feed dog, water dog, poor dog - cooped up all day then pushed aside for the cutey pie in the boppy.

If somehow magically this has all happened before 8, it was a good night. Usually almost nine before I get to sit. And then I am too exhausted to think. Today I got up and the weather was in the 70s and beautiful. I decided I needed to take advantage of the weather and go for a run. Probably overdid it. The past two years I have trained for a half-marathon each fall, but it has been too hot to take Lil Bit out in her stroller. I just don't know what temperature she can handle. Today was nice enough I didn't ever want to come back, but 4.5 miles was plenty for my first run in a month, and the time before that it had been two months and before that . . .sheesh! Then I came home and crashed!

I have spent all day walking like a zombie from room to room. The baby was so crabby and fussy today. I think she is sick. She sounds all sniffly and I have been feeling puny for a few days too. Between the lack of sleep and running around, I just feel overwhelmed. I needed a nap today and the baby wouldn't cooperate. She wanted to nap plenty with me holding her, if I tried to lay down with her on my chest, she would wake up and scream. If I tried to put her down, she woke up and was very put out. I finally put her on her play mat, but she can't be left there unsupervised with all the rolling over she is doing, so I lay down next to her on the cheap plastic carpeting that poorly covers a concrete slab and dozed, but it was not enough. Plus, I have been hauling around a 30 lb. car seat and baby, diaper bag, laptop and briefcase for a few weeks and have completely wrenched something. I am really trying hard to do everything myself. As hard as I am working trying to make money, I don't want to waste any on frivolous things, but I am really tempted to get a maid! I feel like so much of the time I do get to be home with Missy, I have to clean house, put away mail, file bills and the piles are growing!

I just miss having him here for so many reasons, but today, was extra hard not having his extra hands to take her when I needed to get up for a second or to fix dinner while I fed her. I think the smell of food must trigger her need to eat because it never fails that I am finally getting to sit down to eat and she needs another bottle. I just feel like today, I have crashed and burned, and it is only week 2. Sorry this isn't a deeper entry, frankly she is starting to get very angry in her swing and I have to go get her. It has taken me 8 hours of typing a sentence here and there to get this done and who knows if it makes any sense. There just aren't any more days off this year, and I have a feeling I am going down in flames, many more times. I just hope I can pull a phoenix out of my hat.