Day 333: Helpless

In reality, I am truly helpless to affect much in my tiny sphere of influence, but I do delude myself frequently that I have everything under control. Having a tiny person in my life has challenged this belief, but mostly prompted me to get better at control. We are working on it. I managed to get everything done this week and my house is actually at about 80% of what I would consider company clean.

I was feeling pretty upbeat and happy until Chad called. He is having a rough time this deployment. He is working about 14-16 hours a day with just enough time off to sleep. He hasn't had time to check his email in a week or look at the posted pictures of his daughter. He has no time to go to the gym due to the 15 minute call up status he is on. He can't talk about a lot of what is going on over there or what he is doing, but he sounds down.

The only thing he lives for each deployment is working out. He pushes himself to reach the peak physical condition. Last deployment he ran 3 miles in just over 15 minutes at one point. He also got down to under 5% body fat. He was really proud of all the hard work! I thought he looked a little like I needed to sit on him and feed him a biscuit, but other than a tad too lean, he did look good and he felt great about himself which always makes a man more handsome. This deployment, he hasn't much time to workout much less go to the gym. Not having the gym to focus on and the exercise to help release stress isn't good. He is frustrated and tired. Apparently his mattress is poking him with springs and smells like a toilet. 

It seems small to us who have our TVs and computers and clean sheets and nice pillows, but when everything about your life is taken away for a year, all the little stuff connects you to home and life and makes it easier to get through. What makes it hard for me is knowing, that despite the rough days I've had and am bound to have, I am really doing pretty good. I complain and cry on here so I don't have to do it very much in the real world. Hearing that he is struggling makes me sadder and ache more to have him here than usual. It is hard to be this helpless. I offered to send him things, but he said he would be resourceful. I hope my first care package gets there soon. At least then he will have a few small tangible things to remind him of those waiting here for him.