Day 349: Truth or Friendship

This week I have been writing about how grateful I am for my friends, but lately I have been struggling with something regarding friendship. I am not always the most socially graceful person. I sometimes talk too much and get so excited about a conversation that I sometimes interrupt and trample over someone else's stories. But I am genuinely concerned about the people in my life. I try to be observant and sensitive to the needs of others. I may not always be successful, but once my friend, always my friend unless you betray or hurt me intentionally. I will watch out for you, offer unsolicited advice and love in equal parts. Hug you when you need it and send you hugs by ESP when the day is too rough to let down your guard for a hug. I will email and call, and remember if you don't have Facebook and send you updates and pictures.

A few years ago I was lucky enough to make two very special friends. One, Kaitlin, decided to be my friend whether I wanted her or not. She invited me to her church for a back to school banquet that I was actually already attending with my neighbor Karla and we became friends. She is outgoing and opinionated and awesome. She dragged me into friendship after friendship, some lasting and some not, but Kaitlin made sure I got out and was brave enough to give people a chance. I tend to start off very quiet and reserved. At work, I often keep to myself and she got me out of my shell and made me learn to be more social, a skill I never had occasion to practice much growing up. It isn't something I will often admit, but making friends and being friends with people is something I really have to force myself to do. I am hate rejection and would rather be alone than be hurt most of the time, so I needed someone to force me (and she did the way only an AGGIE can) to learn to be braver.

My other friend Lisa is also someone very unique. She created a clique of sorts amongst some of the teachers at school, but it was a clique that was not exclusive. We invited pretty much anyone to join us for lunch or a jog around the school or to "book club". While some people were naturally drawn to each other or put off by some qualities, Lisa made it a point to just invite everyone who needed friends. While I still have all those friendships in some capacity, that was a special year. There were six of us who were just always there for each other. We started a running club and by the end of the year, we had all run at least a 5k-6k, some were up to 10k and a few of us were up to a half-marathon. Lisa had a way of accepting all of someone, even the parts that sometimes grated on a nerve. We had days we got frustrated with each other, but we always looked past it and found the common ground. It was the best group of friends I have ever had.

I think with my dear husband gone, other relationships obviously take center stage. This year I have felt like some of those bonds with people are changing. The ones of us still here physically still hang out, but we rarely all get together. People have created their own little circles. I guess I am feeling more vulnerable and lonely and am left here wondering how to keep the people I care about close. Wondering if there is some truths that we don't say, do we find it easier to eliminate people or drift away than to say things that might hurt? Are those little hurts now, worth losing a friend forever? How do you ask someone what is going on with our friendship without sounding creepy, stalkerish or paranoid? Even now instead of talking to people, I am blogging online. Why can't we say what we need to say, tactfully, to the people who matter the most? Shouldn't our friendships be the one place we can be honest, say what needs saying and hear what needs hearing? I am sure I step on toes, hurt people's feelings, am oblivious to running over someone emotionally from time to time, but no one says anything and I can't apologize and the relationship grows crevices that develop into abysses over time. If someone hurts us that we don't know, we have no problem honking the horn, yelling, being rude, being assertive, sharing a special finger, etc. but the minute we know the person, we clam up and let the relationship break and split rather than say something.

Why is it when we pick friendship over the truth, we end up with neither?