Day 240: Only one for me

I woke this morning having an AWFUL dream. Of course it didn't make any sense and combined movie plots and changed scenes every few seconds, but the essence was that my husband and I had a fight. It seemed like something really little that would blow over, but I came home and he had taken all the furniture and moved out. I KNOW - for those of you who know us personally - I know this is ridiculous.

He moved out. I saw his son at school and asked him about his dad. He wasn't allowed to tell me where his dad was living. I found him somehow and we started talking. His sister was there and trying to keep us from reconciling. I was holding the baby, but she was a newborn again.

It was weird and had no timeline that made sense and except for me and the baby, all the dream participants were actors who I just knew were the people in my life.

I was absolutely heartbroken in the dream. I couldn't imagine my life without Chad in it. I can't even describe the sadness, the overwhelming horror of facing a future without him. There was no way I was going to be able to move on. I had the baby so I couldn't or wouldn't do anything drastic because she needs me, but my heart was absolutely breaking.

It seemed like he really wanted to be back together near the end of the dream, yet when I woke up, but the sadness and feelings of loss lingered too long after waking.

I know it was a dream. I know it was partially the drama of last night with my SiL and her crazy Aunt who is being awful. I know it was partially the plot of Sweet Home Alabama. But the emotions I felt, the loss, the tears felt real enough.

I am an emotional person. I have often let my heart rule my mind. But I have always been able to picture moving on eventually after a break up. Not now, I can't imagine any one else for me. I need him. I don't know, Dear Reader, if you are lucky enough to have been loved by someone who accepts you when you're fat, your breath stinks, you have bed head. Someone who looks at you and sees you as same person who was in a ball gown, hair perfect, slinky and sexy as he does the next morning or two years and twenty pounds later. Someone who understands what you meant 90% of the time when you say something vague. Someone who knows what commercials will make you laugh. Someone with whom talking isn't necessary. Half the time we know what the other one is thinking anyway. We don't always get each other and living together is challenging because we have to figure it out over and over again. We never really get past the rough patch of a marriage before he leaves for something again.

I say all the time how he is my best friend, but I don't really know how to communicate to you how loved he is by me and I am by him. Not to say I never get angry with him or vice versa, but I really can just be me, the worst me and he still loves me and does so SO selflessly that I want to be my best me for him. My sun rises and sets for him and my daughter. I think he is the shisnit. I don't know if there is only one person for each person or if we have the ability to find love in many different ways with different people, but I have looked for it in all the wrong places (mm, good title for a song) and I have only finally felt truly loved by Chad. I love him for so many reasons, but it sure helps that he is really awesome at making me feel like I belong, not the odd one out or the weirdo who doesn't quite fit in, but doesn't know why. He is the only one for me, so he better keep his butt safe!!!