I can feel the tidal wave of stuff that needs doing building under my skin. I have been managing to hold it at bay, knowing that I can only do what I can do and right now, that isn't everything. I have had this stupid sinus infection for almost two months. I am run down and exhausted all the time. I just can't do everything.
I spent Saturday baking to make Christmas gifts for my friends. I pushed too hard and ended up sicker. I made four batches of homemade cinnamon rolls, raisin, orange-cranberry, pecan, blueberry almond. They all turned out delicious, but each batch takes about 4 hours to make. It was a long day.
Today, on top of everything else, I had a follow up to my thyroid biopsy. The doctor walked in, carefully reviewing my chart. He didn't look at me. I started to get nervous. Since both Lil Bit and I stayed home sick today, she was happily chewing on a toy in her stroller. I couldn't really hold her hand, but I held her leg as the doctor told me they found some atypical cells in my thyroid. This was not the breezy clean bill of health I was hoping for.
It isn't necessarily cancer, but it could be. The doctor gave me two choices, have an operation to remove half of my thyroid to see if it is cancer or wait three months and do another ultrasound to see if the cyst has grown. If it doesn't grow, we're good. If it does, then he does the operation to remove it then. Seemed like a no brainer. Why take out any parts that I am attached to? However, now I have to wait three months to find out if it is cancer. I don't know how well that is going to go. It is a heavy weight to carry. Good news is that I am too tired to think about much of anything most of the time, so I will probably forget to worry.
Surgery right now isn't an option. I am barely functioning now. My living room is my idea of a disaster, I have packages waiting to be wrapped everywhere. I thought I had everything under control . . . crap, not supermom yet. But at least I am learning to be ok with that. Letting things go is the only way can keep myself sane. Waiting for one more straw on the camel's back, is kinda like inviting it to fall. Tonight, they got my prescription wrong, had to bundle up baby and drive back at 7 p.m. to the pharmacy. Got another collection letter from some identity theft issue my husband and I have been dealing with for years. It is in his name, they won't talk to me without a power of attorney. I mailed it to them, but they say it isn't valid without his address on it. I tried to be polite and reasonable with the man on the phone, but when he just kept offering me polite aphorisms instead of help, I told him he'd get the proper paperwork when I got around to it. They've been trying to collect on this fraudulent charge for years. We've been trying to deal with it for years, but they won't accept any power of attorneys done by the army and my husband keeps serving his country overseas, so I filled the paperwork in a pile of stuff to get to before I die. And that is about all the energy I have for it. TOUGH COOKIES!! Not gonna let that wave of panic take me, not without a fight.
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