Day 243: Christmas Eve-1/3

Today is a hard day to be without him. Tonight as we light the tree, share a holiday meal, he won't be here. In fact, as we head to bed, awaiting Santa Claus for the first time, he will be waking up Christmas morning, cold and alone in the wet, sandy desert. He won't awake to the smell of homemade cinnamon rolls, fresh coffee and bacon, or the sounds of laughter and squeals as stockings' contents are dumped unceremoniously on the floor.

We will miss his warm smile and easy laughter tonight especially on this special holiday. It is one of so many firsts he will miss. And yet, today, Christmas Eve, also marks a milestone to celebrate. Today we are four months into this deployment, one-third of the way finished. Right now, that doesn't feel like very far. Somehow, when people ask me when he will be home and I say, "August", it feels like forever away.

While on a day to day basis I am so busy that the days feel like they're flying by, it also feels like it is dragging. My heart feels heavily hollow with missing him. It has been so long, I struggle to remember the rhythm to our evenings, the casual patterns to our weekends. We've done a really good job of talking on the phone and keep our relationship pretty normal, but I forget what it is like to have him home, sleeping next to me, waking me up with his kitchen clanking at 5 a.m., and laughing together until we can't breathe.

At least it is only almost two months to R&R, when he can come home for two weeks to visit. Those weeks are amazingly precious, but bittersweet. They are a reminder of what we're missing and the upcoming separation taints the whole break with the foreshadowing of good-bye tears. It literally is the best of times and the worst of times. You don't have to read Dickens to understand that sentiment if you're a military spouse.

So today, we celebrate the holiday surrounded by my mother, sister, brother-in-law and children and continue to count down to his return. Every day down is one less he is in danger, one less day to worry. I just wish he could be here now. Lil Bit in her reindeer "My 1st Christmas" pj's waiting for Santa is just too precious. She tried licking a few of my traditional cookies, got hopped up on formula and then didn't want to go to bed. She finally quit fighting it and crashed out. Almost midnight, so Merry Christmas everyone.

Remember if you're lucky enough to be with your loved ones today that not everyone is or can be. When Crazy Uncle Fred asks you to pull his finger, or your mother tells you the turkey is dry, or your sister goes on and on about how amazing her life is compared to yours, that being irritated by family is still a blessing. My best friend is always in my heart and on my mind, but I would rather he were a little closer to my arms! Today as you celebrate, send up a prayer for the safety and protection for all our soldiers stationed away from family or in combat.