Day 261: Facebook

A lot of people, despite having a Facebook account, complain about people who are on it too much. I have a "friend", former student from 1996, who posts like 10 times in a row. Some of her posts are hilarious, some are offensive, some are inane. I have thought about unfriending her or blocking her posts from my news feed. But mostly I ignore it because who knows who she is posting for or to or why.

A few months ago, a friend of mine said I was on Facebook a lot. Somehow the way she said it, felt like judgment and hurt my feelings. I am on it quite a bit, some of it is to see what people are up to, laugh, keep in touch. Some of it, this year, is to be heard.

I have no one. My daughter does something cute, no one is there to watch it with me. I see a hilarious commercial, no one is there to laugh with me. I cry and no one knows I am even sad. As humans we are programmed to belong. Our brains actually release a chemical when we fit in that is comparable to sex, love, chocolate. Our brains love harmonic relationships.

So what about those of us who are used to having someone to witness our life, share our laughs, commiserate our cries and they are gone (deployed, moved, divorced, died, etc.)? When I post on Facebook, I can feel like 100 or so people at least see how I am feeling, realize when I'm struggling, and celebrate the Lil Bit's moments with me.

My computer is perpetually logged into FB, Gmail and my blog. Gmail so like what happened last night can happen. I was getting ready to head to bed, and noticed my husband was online. On a day when I missed him so terribly I cried off and on all day, it was great to get to hear from him in ANY format.
We chatted by IMing. But I can save the conversation and read it again a few times before deleting it.

Facebook is a tool. Like any tool, it is only as good as the person whose hand wields it. Yesterday I posted how sad I was to be alone this year. I had several friends say they would help out, pray for me, etc. If nothing else, for a few minutes, I don't feel quite so alone.

Sex and the City watchers, there was a Miranda moment where she was choking on food and realized that she could be dead and no one would notice. Well, this week, it occurred to me that if something traumatic happened to me on a Friday evening, my daughter could be screaming in her crib for days before anyone thought something was fishy.

So I posted the following: "If I quit posting, please call police. I don't talk to anyone often enough to know if something has happened. If I don't post, comment, etc. for two days, I am deceased. Please come save my daughter. Ok, kinda joking, kinda not - scary!! Miranda cats moment. Living alone you realize how vulnerable we are."

My evenings are pretty much me and Lil Bit. I bend the ears of my Moms pretty frequently and sometimes it is just chatter to chatter. I get lonely, feel sad that her dad is missing all these so sweet moments, but don't really have time to call someone or have both hands free. I can pick up my phone and see what everyone is doing, post a cute pics for the Grandmas and Grandpas, share a laugh or cry, or just post something that made me smile. Especially during this holiday season when I am feeling lonely more and really wish I had someone to share these magical evenings with, Facebook allows me to be my busy, reclusive self and still feel connected to people. 

It can become self serving, narcissistic, but before you judge, think about the person on the other end of the post. It might be someone who just needs to hear someone cares. Today I had to get a needle biopsy of my thyroid. I posted on FB right before going in and by the time I was done, I had heard from several people supporting me at an especially emotionally vulnerable moment. I needed it. It was painful, a tad frightening and without Chad to cry to, it was nice to have friends, even if the only place we ever meet is on the computer screen.