Day 263: I found it!

It took a little looking, but somewhere between cheesy, heart string tugging Hallmark movies and my daughter's sweet smile, I found my Christmas spirit. I think Lil Bit was hiding it the whole time, just waiting for me to want it. This morning when I peeked into her crib to find her playing and she looked up a me with that big, nose-crinkling grin, I just knew I had to "do" Christmas this year, even with her dad deployed.

I know I talked a big game about skipping it this year, not decorating, refusing to acknowledge the holidays are here without him. I knew I was trying to talk myself out of feeling guilty about being too tired to decorate. This is Lil Bit's first Christmas and she won't remember any of it. Best case scenario, she may vaguely remember her Christmas 2012 when she is 2 1/2. But somehow, I couldn't go even one year without giving her all the joy of sparkling lights and jingling bells.

The tree was too heavy for me to get down the narrow attic stairs and it took five trips up and down to get down a couple of boxes of decorations, just enough to add a few charming touches around the living room. My house does not look like Christmas threw up, maybe just burped a little. Although, HEB and Walmart may help me add a few more touches. The deer skull needs something . . .

I don't know if she has noticed the colorful lights on the mantel or the pretty stockings hung by the chimney with care, but I have these silly, nutcracker bell ringers that turn and ding Christmas carols. I have had them since 1993; they still work. I wish I had been filming when I turned them on the first time. Oooh, her eyes grew three sizes and her smiles was too priceless.

It was completely worth all the hassle to see her so enjoying these toys. We listened to them for an hour and I sang all the lyrics. It was great. I guess I realized today that this isn't about me now, it is about creating a magical childhood full of memories for her like my parents did for me. My sisters and I had a precious moments Nativity sets. Mom would take our baby Jesuses until Christmas Eve. When she would sneak into our rooms to tie our stockings onto our bedposts (kept us busy in our rooms eating chocolate and opening toys until a reasonable parent waking hour), she would put Jesus in the middle of the scene being carefully watched by Mary and Joseph. That is a tradition I would like to continue with her. Also the wrapping of the participants of the Nativity in newsprint. We had a separate Nativity set for the living room and Dad would read the Bible as we would race to figure out who had which figure to place in the scene. We heard the true Christmas story and had family fun together. My parents really got that right. I can't wait to pass those traditions down to her.

Also, Thursday morning, the Austin radio station I listen to was having a power hour raising money for Bikes for Kids. Each donation goes toward the purchase of a brand new Trek bike for a deserving, underprivileged child in Central Texas. The charity is really great. Everything is donated, the bikes, the labor, the venues for fund raising, etc. Every penny you donate goes toward a bike. Every year I want to donate, but end up finding a cause closer to me personally. This year, feeling very grinch-like, I decided just to do it. Nothing warms up a lonely heart like giving. So, this Christmas morning a child will have a brand new bike from "Santa". When we celebrate our late holiday with Chad's boys and mom and Dadve, the first thing I want the boys to open is a picture of the bike "they" gave to someone who had nothing to look forward to this year. Christmas is all about the precious gift our Lord gave to us in the form of His son, our Savior. I want them to know that giving is so much more important. It warmed my heart to think about those awesome bikes and that I was a part of it this year. A bike, lock, helmet costs $150. These are nice Trek bikes that retail for $190-299 without lock or helmet, but are donated by the company at cost, put together by Mellow Johnny's and distributed before Christmas. If you want to be part of this amazing charity, click on the link. JB and Sandy's Bikes for Kids $5 helps. Giving feels good and they've been doing this for 14 years. Pretty awesome.

Once I started thinking about the amazing legacy of holiday memories, emotions, and traditions that my parents gave me, including giving and the truest meaning of CHRISTmas, I realized I couldn't give her or the boys anything less, even if it isn't convenient. Just a minute ago, she was jumping in her jumperoo and noticed the lights and stockings above her. She may never be able to verbally recall this holiday, but maybe her heart will remember the warmth and love that flowed through the house during the Christmas season.

Chad's absence was felt more powerfully today. I have cried more this afternoon than the entire deployment so far. Lil Bit doesn't distinguish between the laughing and crying face yet, so she just giggles at me. She knows his voice thanks to the recordable book, but she won't remember him. I just hope that when he comes home, she likes him as much as her mommy does. Then maybe she'll understand why I miss him so much today.



CD's and maybe the music will seep into her mind and heart like it has mine. Listening to the bell ringing nutcrackers today I realized how many lyrics were rattling around in my brain that I don't know how I know except that Mom played them. As a "single" mom, I am way too busy to mess with decorating and baking, etc. But as a MOM, I need to create holiday magic for her that she will carry on to her children someday. Again as I considered today the massive responsibility of parenthood, I also thought about the joy I get to live through her. Thus, the finding of my holiday spirit. Merry Christmas season. Hope you throw your inner grinch to the curb and find your Christmas cheer.