Day 117: Recovery

I am feeling a bit better today. Last night, I was so heartbroken over losing so many pictures. I know so many of them are just gone. Most I can't even remember specifically because I had been storing pictures for the past couple of years. I can think of a few specifically that are gone. The biggest blow were the pictures from her first few days of life. Those are moments that are just gone and she was so stinkin' tiny.

I know a lot of my pictures can be downloaded from Facebook, which is a new feature with the updated page. I hadn't used it before. But I spent a few hours last night digging through all my emails for the past few years searching for pictures I had emailed to friends, family, Chad. I even dug through the emails to Lil Bit's birthmom to salvage a few pictures.

I was able to save enough that I don't feel quite so upset. I saved probably about 50-60 of the 200. But it was something. I know the pictures of her riding the train with her brothers at Austin's Park are gone. I didn't email them to anyone. But I can live without them. As hard as it is, I realized that the pictures are irreplaceable because of the memories that dim so quickly. I need to make it a point to start writing about the memories from those first days before they fade.

I did learn that I need to upload the pictures from my phone onto a computer pretty regularly from now on. I did learn never update the phone without help from a trained professional. I also learned to email myself the pictures because gmail stores them forever if all else fails. I also realized that the true gift is that I have my little girl to look at and love AND I am certainly not hurting for pictures of her.

I think I was partially just exhausted from a very long frustrating day. While I love technology, I think I use it more than I understand it. I want it to work, but don't want to bother learning how it works or comprehending all the technical knowledge. I will be rethinking that stance. It does seem strange to me that our lives have become so surrounded with technology that most of us barely know how to use and few know how to fix or trouble shoot. I worry someday technology will crash and we'll all be lost without email or instantaneously being able to contact each other or track our whereabout through foursquare.

I think part of my emotions were because she is turning one in a week and this year has gone way too fast. I can't believe how quickly the time flew by. I imagined having a baby and thought these days would stretch out luxuriously, having time to savor each milestone, each second. Instead, I feel like I'm riding shotgun in a Nascar race. I already am trying not to cry that my baby is almost a toddler. I am gonna be a wreck next week.

Took a few more pictures today, trying to refill my phone album. Lil Bit finally left her sunglasses on. I put mine on first and then hers, maybe that was the key, she just wanted to imitate me. So the world wasn't ending and I learned to be more careful with backing up my phone. I also understand better now how sad my mom must have been when all my baby pictures turned out washed out. Back in the early 70s when you took pictures, hoped for the best, and waited a week to get them back.

Funny, the older I get, the more I am able to see my parents, especially my mom as a person. She was much younger than I am when she had me. I think about how challenging she had it, living so far away from her mother, without the benefit of so much of the technology we take for granted. I wish I could fix those pictures for her. I am sure she still feels some loss of those moments. Hopefully, the pictures of her grandchildren are filling the void, they certainly are filling her walls.