Day 127: Divorce Part 2

If you missed Divorce part one, check yesterday’s entry.

Couples meet and fall “in love” and marry without always being sure that they are both on the same page in regards to the commitment they are making. Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is hard. It takes making the choice to wake up and love someone who sometimes makes you crazy. Making a marriage work is about both partners giving 100% everyday as much as humanly possible. When people say it is 50/50, it scares me. When it is 100/100, you see people who are in it to win it. They see a future together and refuse to let petty disagreements and silly resentments fester between them or work through their issues. Maybe they just drink heavily, who knows, but study after study shows that even dysfunctional couples who stay together are better for the kids than couples who divorce in all but the most extreme abuse situations (physical violence against the spouse or children).

People think, “ah, kids are resilient. If we divorce, it will be hard on them, but won’t ruin their lives.” It may not ruin their lives, but the statistics that it will are staggering. The statistics for psychological problems, relationship issues, drug and alcohol abuse are exponentially higher for children from divorced families than from intact families.  Girls face additional issues than boys because of the importance of the father/daughter relationship and their self-image and future relationships with men. I imagine this is probably because women are awarded custody more often than fathers affording sons the chance to bond with the opposite gender parents on a more profound level than most daughters.

As the mother of a daughter, the next set of results is the most motivating/scariest. I am just going to quote the entire passage.

 One in five of the girls [from divorced families] had her first sexual experience before age 14. Over half were sexually active with multiple partners during high school. The girls told us they often frequented bars where pickups were common. They were driven by the wish to be held by a man and to be sought after. Sex itself was not their goal but rather the price they paid for the attention. Several said that they would have sex only if they were drunk or high on drugs. Precautions were rarely taken. Although we neglected to tally the incidence, several of the high school girls reported having multiple abortions.

By contrast, the great majority of girls from intact families postponed sex until late high school or early college, with most reporting having sex only within the context of an established relationship.

These facts mean that girls from divorced families are more likely to engage in destructive sexual behavior, generally in the name of being “loved.” Now, my non-expert opinion is that young women of divorced families would primarily be raised by mothers since women tend to be awarded custody about 80-90% of the time. These young ladies would have at best limited relationships with their fathers and may have significantly poor relationships with their fathers. Other research indicates that the father/daughter relationship is instrumental in a young woman’s views of love and self-worth. According to Linda Nielsen:

            Fathers generally have as much or more impact as mothers do in the following areas of their daughters’ lives: (1) achieving academic and career success—especially in math and science (2) creating a loving, trusting relationship with a man (3) dealing well with people in authority—especially men (4) Being self-confident and self-reliant (5) Being willing to try new things and to accept challenges (6) Maintaining good mental health (no clinical depression, eating disorders, or chronic anxiety) (7) Expressing anger comfortably and appropriately—especially with men

As a terribly devoted mom, I want to have a close relationship with my daughter. I want to be her parent, but also to hopefully share a friendship and special closeness with her.  I watched Gilmore Girls and secretly hoped to someday have that kind of special friendship with my daughter. Yet, I know that she needs to have a close relationship with her dad too.

I know my relationship with a demanding, perfectionist father has completely shaped the woman I am and the relationships I seek. Being afraid of being a constant disappointment to my father led me to seek relationships with men who would never be disappointed in me, i.e. were less successful, intelligent, confidant, etc. It has been a pattern that led me into some disastrous relationships. And my parents were together.

What about a daughter who feels like she wasn’t worth her dad sticking around? Or sees her father and mother in a contentious relationship? The absentee father who is criticized by the abandoned or bitter mother passes on bitterness and mistrust of men to her daughter. The angry resentful father criticizes the mother on whom she has come to rely daily causing her to see men as hostile and angry.

I can’t tell you the number of teenage students I have seen acting as lesbians who have been abandoned, abused, ignored by their fathers. I have no idea if these women eventually find relationships with men, but most are determinedly anti-men.  I had a young lady crying just yesterday because her father used to beat her and her mom’s boyfriend was the only male figure in her life. I’m not sure what that had to do with her failing grade in my class, but the hurt and sadness was evident.

I was surprised by the fact that women raised in homes with destructive marriages had better views of love and marriage that women raised in divorced homes.  I would have believed that growing up in a home in which the marriage was angry, unloving, perhaps tension filled would be worse than living in two happy homes, but the studies don’t bear that out. Again, this study didn’t say no one from a divorced family ever grows up happy, healthy, or mentally stable, just that the statistics are really stacked against the children from a divorce.

While men from divorced families seemed reluctant to foster serious intimate relationships or to marry, the women seemed compelled to pursue relationships and would often accept any proposal no matter who asked for fear of being alone. The divorce rates of adults from divorced families were more than four times the rate of divorce for adults from intact families. Yikes! That is even a higher connection rate than divorce to psychological issues by almost double. Children of divorce get divorced one out of approximately 3.5 marriages as compared to less than one out of ten.

Additionally I was surprised that much of the findings contradicted what we would normally think would make a difference: if the ex-spouses argue or custody, money, etc. if the non-custodial parent has limited contact with the children, if there was lingering anger and conflict between the spouses, if the spouses are cordial and joint parent. All of these things would logically seem to make a difference in how divorce affected the children, but no! The children studied in this case all had parents who got along, had non-custodial parents who were large parts of their lives, had parents who maintained loving parent/child relationships after the divorce.

All the statistics from the Wallerstein/Lewis study were from “good” divorces. I wonder what they would have found for children who suffered through a bad divorce, had a parent cease contact, lived “in the middle” of bickering bitter exes trying to one-up each other and keep tabs through the children.

Basically children don’t just bounce back from divorce, it is a life-altering event that forever shatters the primary relationship mold for their lives. It affects them permanently in the way they view themselves, life and intimate relationships.

If you’re married and have children, I would encourage you to spend some time talking with your spouse about this study and at the end of the “Unexpected Legacy of Divorce” is an additional list of references for further study. Maybe it can be an impetus to renewing a commitment to a healthy relationship or a wake-up call to start working to make your marriage work. Maybe understanding how devastating it is on the children will help you decide to stay and work through your issues. Perhaps knowing these things will give you pause before you marry.

I know that this research, done on a whim, will make me be a better step-parent, a more aware parent and a more generous, forgiving and appreciative spouse. If I put my daughter’s well-being for my own in every other way, why wouldn’t I in a way that apparently matters so much.

Sorry for this rant, I just don’t know that most people are truly aware of the lasting legacy divorce has on children.