I just don’t know what to think. I have a student whom I will call Nelly. She is a second year freshman who is failing all of her courses. She is very loud and full of attitude. I have spent so much time this year devoted to encouraging her to take her work and education seriously, but her behavior in class has remained extremely immature and disruptive. She uses very low level diction and deliberately uses “ghetto” expressions or rap slang as often as possible, inserting them unnecessarily into conversations, making her sound more immature and ridiculous.
I saw in her so much potential for improvement at the beginning of the year, but talk after talk, even after parent-teacher conferences, she made no changes. Her grades have been so low that mathematically, passing is impossible, not just improbable. It hurts my heart to see a student so willfully throw away a future, a life that had so much possibility. But I can’t make her care about herself or see that doing well in school and getting an education is caring for herself.
Then a few months ago, she came to me not feeling well. She said she had been throwing up all morning. Well, when you teach high school long enough, the first question isn’t who around you has had a stomach bug or what did you eat, but are you pregnant? A few days later, she gleefully announced that she was pregnant. I know how hard being a mom is at my age. I tried hard not to be negative, but I get so upset that these little girls are becoming mothers, potentially ruining their lives and their children’s. Some kids handle it relatively well and come out stronger on the other side. A colleague was a teen mom and is finishing her doctorate degree in education. It can be done and it can turn out all right, but not often.
Her boyfriend is educationally in even sorrier shape than she is, if that is truly even possible. He is already receiving his education in an alternative setting because he couldn’t make the grades attending regular school although he was in special education classes. He proposed to her recently and she came in flashing her ring. I didn’t want to be Debbie Downer, but this child has no idea what marriage means, how hard it is for two mature, intelligent, loving adults to manage successfully. I told her that if she could wait until after college, it would be best.
While some teenage romances do last, some of my closest friends have been together since high school, statistics are against them and the ones I personally know have been successful, dated all through high school and college and even started careers before marrying. I told her my husband is my best friend, the person I would choose to spend time with if I could pick anyone and the absolute love of my life, but I have moments when I want to strangle him. I have moments in which I am so furious that I can’t imagine looking at him for one more second. It takes a lot of maturity to get past those moments, to work through those struggles.
She can’t seem to work past her own issues to get an education and is now planning on getting married and raising this baby. I can’t lie, I thought this was a disaster waiting to happen. She is just so immature. The day my daughter had to be in school because of a black out at her daycare, I didn’t even trust her to hold Lil Bit.
Forty-five minutes ago, another one of her teachers and I were discussing how worried we were for her. She was absent today and we were just so concerned about how she is failing and will be a freshman again this year. And we both expressed concern over the fact that she would be trying to parent a baby without an education to help her succeed in life.
Then we got an email from her counselor saying that Nelly’s baby had died which is why she was absent today and would be absent tomorrow. Holy Cow! I feel awful. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child she had already become so attached to. Regardless of the wisdom of her keeping this child, she was excited about it, knew it was going to be a little girl and had already had a baby shower.
Her heart must be broken. To have such a loss would be overwhelming at any age, but doubly so for someone whose emotions are so fragile. She had planned a life, a marriage and family around this child. I would imagine her mom had already started planning a nursery. To have to go home and face the reminders would be devastating.
The hardest part for me is feeling guilty for wondering what kind of life this child was going to have and being concerned for the type of mother she was going to be with her attitude and immaturity and lack of education. I know that perhaps this is for the best and allows her to move on with her life in a way she never could have once the baby was born. Even so, this is a pain I understand having wished for a baby for so long. I feel awful, knowing that nothing I did made any difference, but hurting for her anyway.
I know God’s plan for her is His best plan for her life. He is going to do what he can to bring her closer to Him. He is the master of the universe. He knows why this happened in her life, but that won’t change her pain. Even if she could know this was for the best in the long run, it won’t heal her heart. Only time can do that, and it will always be a major loss. With several of my close friends pregnant and my precious daughter’s looming first birthday, babies are on the brain and I can just feel this loss so acutely, even for a child that didn’t need to be having a child. So sad, gonna rush home and hug mine a few extra times, if that is even possible.
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