Day 129: A hole in my heart

As I started to think about what to write tonight a song kept playing in my head that seemed to fit my mood. I had a rough day today. 


Extreme :
There's a hole in my heart
That can only be filled by you
And this hole in my heart
Can't be filled with the things I do


This heart of stone is where I hide
These feet of clay kept warm inside
Day by day less satisfied


There is no explanation for how I am feeling today. The largest part of the deployment is over. The weather is nice. The baby is cute and starting to get really active. 


I just don't feel like I want to do anything. I got very little accomplished beyond the necessary today. Words kind of escape me but ennui mixed with melancholy seem to be close. Every day seems like a repetition of the last. Even though I am counting down the days until his return, I just have some days that my subconscious sadness overtakes me.


I say subconscious because I wasn't aware how sad I was until I just couldn't make myself care about much today. He didn't call this weekend and we only got two emails this week. We tried to chat once, but he lost power during our chat. That was even a pretty sad chat because we were on Facebook and his internet was so slow, it kept telling me he was offline. The time between replies was almost too long to be worth it. 


I have a lot of long days ahead. The summer will be a lot of long days. I think I am going to have to find some goals and keep to a schedule of some sort in order to stave off the depression. I am ready for him to come home. But we still have a long way to go . . .