I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm drowning. I have just realized it myself you see. For a few days, the tide has been rising, and I'm starting to freak out internally. From a distance it seems like I am waving, smiling, swimming, but in fact I'm treading water, just trying to keep my chin up. I go through the motions of my day, act like I'm OK, but inside is turbulence. I'm counting down days, and trying not to think too much, just survive each minute as it comes and worry about the next minute when it gets here. But I feel like the pressure is building and I don't know how long I can last before it explodes.
It started Tuesday when the baby was crying, and I was washing dishes and peering into the cluttered living room, thinking about all the chores hanging over my head and the significant lack of time to do them. I watched my baby girl bear crawling, legs straight but hands on the floor, the precursor to her first steps. And I realized, he is gone. He isn't here to help. He won't be here to see her changes. He missed her first words.
Tiny piles of ignored refuse are rising. The little things seem to create more internal tension than the big things. The baby's head band that has been laying on the sofa table for a week that I can't remember to put away: the pool pump filters that need changed: the pictures that need downloaded, edited, uploaded; the laundry clean, dirty, wet, folded that is just laying in random places. The dog smells like something nasty she rolled in. The dead dried grass she drags in from the yard is all over the carpet and she's shedding.
Then last night, I came home wiped out, feeling achy and feverish. By bedtime, I was freezing. I put on layers, turned off the air conditioning and lay in bed shaking. Then in the middle of the night, I was hot, throwing off layers and turning on the fan and A/C but still burning up. I finally took my temperature around 5 a.m. and it was near 103. I hurt so badly that I was up every few minutes. I can barely stand. I am out of sick days so was going to suck it up until I saw my temperature. I had taken Nyquil, Advil, and Aleve and still was running the mother of all fevers.
I finally had to admit that I couldn't go to work, despite the fact that I have no more sick days and staying home cost me a couple $100. So I got up and get to my computer to email for a sub and have no internet. So I grab the phone to call the cable company and the phone is out too. I had to text message and email on my phone to get the day taken care of. The baby woke up so happy and bouncy that I didn't want to take her to daycare, but I can't take care of her today. I can barely take care of me. I had to take her in so I could go to the doctor and limit her exposure to me. But the concerns I had yesterday are only growing now that I am in so much pain and sick. Rough day and trying not to go through my two week meltdown.
So I'm not waving but drowning this week.
It started Tuesday when the baby was crying, and I was washing dishes and peering into the cluttered living room, thinking about all the chores hanging over my head and the significant lack of time to do them. I watched my baby girl bear crawling, legs straight but hands on the floor, the precursor to her first steps. And I realized, he is gone. He isn't here to help. He won't be here to see her changes. He missed her first words.
Tiny piles of ignored refuse are rising. The little things seem to create more internal tension than the big things. The baby's head band that has been laying on the sofa table for a week that I can't remember to put away: the pool pump filters that need changed: the pictures that need downloaded, edited, uploaded; the laundry clean, dirty, wet, folded that is just laying in random places. The dog smells like something nasty she rolled in. The dead dried grass she drags in from the yard is all over the carpet and she's shedding.
Then last night, I came home wiped out, feeling achy and feverish. By bedtime, I was freezing. I put on layers, turned off the air conditioning and lay in bed shaking. Then in the middle of the night, I was hot, throwing off layers and turning on the fan and A/C but still burning up. I finally took my temperature around 5 a.m. and it was near 103. I hurt so badly that I was up every few minutes. I can barely stand. I am out of sick days so was going to suck it up until I saw my temperature. I had taken Nyquil, Advil, and Aleve and still was running the mother of all fevers.
I finally had to admit that I couldn't go to work, despite the fact that I have no more sick days and staying home cost me a couple $100. So I got up and get to my computer to email for a sub and have no internet. So I grab the phone to call the cable company and the phone is out too. I had to text message and email on my phone to get the day taken care of. The baby woke up so happy and bouncy that I didn't want to take her to daycare, but I can't take care of her today. I can barely take care of me. I had to take her in so I could go to the doctor and limit her exposure to me. But the concerns I had yesterday are only growing now that I am in so much pain and sick. Rough day and trying not to go through my two week meltdown.
So I'm not waving but drowning this week.
Stevie Smith - Not Waving But Drowning
Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.
Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.
Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.
No comments:
Post a Comment