Day 309: Dropping the ball

Last night I had to make a very hard decision. I had to call Chad's ex-wife about the plans to get the boys this weekend. This is the last week of the grading period. I have at least 60 3-5 page essays left to grade, 5 sets of quizzes, three sets of homework, and two up-coming tests that will need to be graded. Then I have to input all the grades and create an Excel spreadsheet of all my failures: first name, last name, id number, grade level, percentage in my class. All of these student fields have to be typed in individually. And this all has to be done by Sunday afternoon.

The plan was to drive up to the Dallas area Friday afternoon and pick up the boys and take them back Sunday afternoon. Best case scenario this takes 6-7 hours. The drive is three and stopping to eat, use the restroom and exchange kiddos, plus feed and change a baby is really a minimum of an hour. But because there is really only one route from Austin to north of Dallas, traffic is sometimes so bad it adds two to three hours. Once it took Chad nine hours from start to finish.

I knew it was a lot when I planned it, I was just going to suck it up and do it because seeing the boys and having them see their sister is important, but I just can't do it. I feel so awful I just want to cry. I actually did cry on the phone last night. She was very understanding and said we would try to arrange another visit in a few weeks or just wait until Thanksgiving when we would both be in the same town for the holiday anyway. I just feel like I have let everyone down.

I am drowning at school. I just can't get any work done at home. The few moments it feels like I can get to my work, I have at least three other things to get done around the house. It is just so overwhelming. I feel like I am cracking up.

I know how hard the last deployment was on the boys and don't know what else I can do to help the boys feel like their dad isn't so far away, except visit with them, let them walk around the house where all of daddy's pictures are on the walls. I know they need it. I know they also need to visit with their sister and start to develop a relationship with her. They are such special boys and I would love to have them so much more, but living so far apart just makes things difficult especially with the baby.

I am so frustrated that I can't do everything I need to or half the stuff I wanted to. I know I can't do it all, but it kills me that this is the ball I have to drop right now.