Today, I took over a colleague's lunch duty. I was sitting grading papers and looked out the plate glass windows to the parking lot. A blue Dodge truck pulled up to meet a teacher for lunch. For just a second, I forgot. I literally picked up my phone.
I thought, it has been awhile since he has come to take me out to lunch, we should make a date. My phone was in my hand to text him before I even processed the thought and remembered. My heart slowed and grew tight in my chest. I had just been having an e-versation (coining that term) with a friend that I was good. I go through phases in which I really get sad or down or even am just acutely aware of how much I miss him, but was feeling OK, until just that second.
In that moment, all the sadness just smothered me. Something so simple as a mid-week lunch together was always so special. I always felt like the princess going on a date with the quarterback. I just loved the extra date feeling to our lunch. I went through the entire weekend, just doing my thing and was fine. Even when I missed chatting with him Saturday night, I was alright. It feels so silly that this one moment has put me into a tailspin. All of a sudden I miss him and my heart aches for all those stolen moments of silly texts or "date' lunches we used to have.
With a new baby, the last few months of his deployment really weren't like the previous ones where we just spend all our free time together and get really close. We had the boys and the baby and traveled to visit family. It was crazy busy and great, but now I wish we had had made just a little more time for each other. While I don't want to be grim, the reality is that we might never get another chance.
And I really LIKE him. A lot of people look at me funny when I say that, but give it a second. We all have people in our lives that we love, but sometimes do not like. I always love him, but I really just like him too. We have inside jokes and our favorite places to eat and little traditions that matter only to us. I look forward to seeing him each evening whether he's been home a week or a year. We used to joke that e-Harmony could have set us up we are so compatible. While that may not be the case since we have significantly varied interests, we get each other on so many levels. We are that couple that can talk for hours or be totally silent and be just as content. Of course, I would love him to talk more about his feelings (typical girl, sometimes!) but we don't always need to and it is so nice just to hang out with him.
I would give anything to have him home tonight: to race into the drive and find out what he made for dinner, to mix up margaritas and make tacos, to play scrabble and let him win. It is hard not to get angry and bitter sometimes. Most people have no idea what it feels like to never be able to take the smallest moments for granted. Maybe we're lucky to know how important we are to each other, but some days I would trade all this "luck" for the chance to take his presence for granted. I better get back to grading papers so I can shake off this mood before it has a chance to take hold.
Dear God, Please be the bearer of my husband's weapon and the armor of his body. Amen. Come home soon, Love.
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