Day 310: Scary

Last night, my daughter was a little bit fussy when it came time for bed because she had napped on and off all day. She still sleeps pretty much when she is tired. I know some people get their kids on a schedule, but I figure that much of the schedule will take care of itself if you stick to a routine, but on the weekends, I let her do what she needs to do.

She ate a really big dinner, carrots, green beans, oatmeal with bananas and seemed fine. I gave her part of a bottle before bed and she fell asleep watching her mobile. I finished what I was working on and went to bed. Around 12:45, I heard screaming. I had forgotten to turn on the receiver for the baby monitor again. I am so tired I honestly forget many nights, but I usually wake up and turn it on sometime in the first hour or two. Last night, I could hear her no problem through the entire house. It was blood curdling.

We haven't had a night of crying since July. I put her down, she sleeps. If she wakes for a bottle, she kinda of whines for a few minutes and if I don't respond, she might give a quick wail to make sure I know she's serious. She rarely cries. Often she will grunt/whine a few times and put herself back to sleep. If she really needs to eat, I will feed her and back to sleep she goes. She slept until 10:20 on Saturday morning.

Last night, I found her in her crib just flailing around, screaming. I picked her up and she seemed to calm for a second and then the screaming resumed. It was so scary. I didn't know what to do. After rocking and bouncing and walking, I felt her stomach which seemed tight, so I gave her some of her tummy drops and placed a warmed rice pillow on her stomach. After rocking and shushing and some spitting up, she finally drifted back to sleep. But watching this tiny person scream like that was so scary. She couldn't tell me what was wrong or where it hurt. I didn't know if it was an emergency or just gas. She wasn't feverish but that was about all I could really check.

I was very proud of myself when my mommy instincts were right and she went back to sleep, but the fear I had for her was so palpable. All I wanted to do was hold and comfort her. I was pretty proud of myself for not panicking even though the crying lasted an hour, and I figured out what to do. I felt terrified and helpless then empowered. Being a parent is so much guessing and flying by the seat of your pants. Several times though I really wished Chad was home. Having someone else to share ideas and concerns can make you feel so less alone. I had no idea what I needed to do. It was so bad I considered the ER. If it hadn't gotten better when it did, I would have been the crazy lady in the ER in her nightie!

It was one rough night in months, but it does serve to remind me that this little life is still so delicately balanced and I need to be informed and ready for anything. Parenting is like one continuous minefield and even when you're getting it mostly right, someone will come along and tell you all the ways you're doing it wrong. Not sure which is scarier, worrying about being a great parent or all the people who don't. Mmm - now, that is scary.