Friday, October 8, 2010

Day 320: The right words

Today at school, I had a student seek me out to talk. She tried to commit suicide last year and is participating in some self-destructive behavior. She is standing in front of me asking for help. Where do I find the right words? How do I compress 39 years of failures, successes, wisdom and stupidity into a few words to send home with her.

I listen. Then I start talking, the words start coming. I can't describe what happens when I am facing such a student, but I can sense what someone is struggling with sometimes. Somehow, I try to make sense. Considering I had just been asleep at my desk when she came in, I think being coherent in itself should be impressive.

We finish talking. She says, "You're amazing." I told her I am not, but that God helps me find the words to share when I need them and I just hope I can use them to help. I don't know if she will figure out what is going on with her, if she will ever attempt suicide again, if she will stop pressuring herself to be perfect or anything. I can't really help her at all. She totally has to help herself, but I can make sure she knows without a doubt that someone who didn't have to care did, does.

It is very humbling sometimes to realize that one stray comment can affect a child forever. As adults we don't always remember the power the words of adults once had over us. The teacher that made you feel stupid or smart, changed your life forever. Most of my students never come back and tell me if I made a difference or hurt them. Most of my students are now out of my life once they leave school. I will probably never know if I helped her or not. The same as with the little girl who was kidnapped and raped last year. She and I emailed back and forth about surviving such an experience.

I am human and fallible. I worry about my kiddos, but can only do so much before I have to go home and wear my wife, mother, and woman hats. All I can pray is that God continues to give me the right words when my students and friends need them and keep His hand over my mouth when I try to insert my unnecessary two cents worth. And pray. I can always do that. God will know what happens to them.

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