So, here it is a few months into a deployment and things are starting to look a little rough around the edges. I start counting the weeks until he comes home and deciding what can wait until he tackles it and what I should probably attempt.
Every deployment I have varying levels with defying the Dependasaurus within. As part of a couple, we have to depend on each other. We divide the workload according to our strengths, so we can spend more time together relaxing. I am not much for yard work and he could care less about balancing the checkbook. But it gets comfortable to count on someone to handle tasks for me. I get dependent.
At times when he is away, I struggle with depression, feeling sorry for myself and parking my hiney on the couch perpetually. It is difficult for me to motivate myself to take charge of things that are usually his purview. Some of it is pure laziness. I get into a pattern and fall into routines. Things outside my normal routine take extra effort and especially now, especially when the weather is icky, especially when I am still fighting off an infection or four, I just have trouble dropping that darned dependasaurus and taking care of things that just need doing.
Some of the struggle is doing things that I know he does better or that I can't do well at all. Sometimes there just aren't enough hours in the day for the things I am supposed to take care of and certain chores are just relegated to waiting. I feel badly though, knowing he is coming home to chores. Although my in-laws took care of the yard when they were here over the holidays, which was nice. The boys I pay to do it had taken off for the season, and I just never had it trimmed up one more time.
I know taking a long trip was something scary to do alone. His third deployment, I took the boys on a 3000 mile road trip to visit grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. One speeding ticket and a discussion about when not to pour barbecue sauce onto your brother later, we survived and had a great time.
Another scary thing for me was trying to do the yard work myself. We have a lawnmower that requires the use of a special bent nail in order to start or stop. Trying to remove a bent nail while blades are spinning required a special bit of fortitude this summer. But I did mow the law. I used a weed eater once and shot rock and dirt clods everywhere. It was painful and scary. There are things I will hire someone to do, but even that took a little doing for me to work up the courage to do.
Over three (his 2-4) deployments, I have learned when I need to call customer service, how to complain and be heard, how to pitch a fit when being overly solicitous and kind didn't work, how to push buttons and smack things into working, and how to hire people to do the things Chad would if he were home.
Taking the steps to take care of things myself is scary. I don't want to become so independent I don't need him, but I need to be independent enough that I don't have to need him, I can just want to.
My Dependasaurus is in hibernation. Tonight I recklessly cleaned the fridge out of significantly past their expiration date dairy products and took out the trash. But I only sighed looking at the stack of cardboard boxes in the garage, full of toys to be sorted, and the boxes of products waiting to be registered or put away dotting the foyer and living room. It is hard sometimes to face the daunting tasks emotionally, as if I am putting him away or outgrowing him by becoming independent, but I know he needs to know I can become the person I need to when he is away. And rest assured, I will save plenty of weeding and gardening to make sure he feels completely missed and needed.
Every deployment I have varying levels with defying the Dependasaurus within. As part of a couple, we have to depend on each other. We divide the workload according to our strengths, so we can spend more time together relaxing. I am not much for yard work and he could care less about balancing the checkbook. But it gets comfortable to count on someone to handle tasks for me. I get dependent.
At times when he is away, I struggle with depression, feeling sorry for myself and parking my hiney on the couch perpetually. It is difficult for me to motivate myself to take charge of things that are usually his purview. Some of it is pure laziness. I get into a pattern and fall into routines. Things outside my normal routine take extra effort and especially now, especially when the weather is icky, especially when I am still fighting off an infection or four, I just have trouble dropping that darned dependasaurus and taking care of things that just need doing.
Some of the struggle is doing things that I know he does better or that I can't do well at all. Sometimes there just aren't enough hours in the day for the things I am supposed to take care of and certain chores are just relegated to waiting. I feel badly though, knowing he is coming home to chores. Although my in-laws took care of the yard when they were here over the holidays, which was nice. The boys I pay to do it had taken off for the season, and I just never had it trimmed up one more time.
I know taking a long trip was something scary to do alone. His third deployment, I took the boys on a 3000 mile road trip to visit grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. One speeding ticket and a discussion about when not to pour barbecue sauce onto your brother later, we survived and had a great time.
Another scary thing for me was trying to do the yard work myself. We have a lawnmower that requires the use of a special bent nail in order to start or stop. Trying to remove a bent nail while blades are spinning required a special bit of fortitude this summer. But I did mow the law. I used a weed eater once and shot rock and dirt clods everywhere. It was painful and scary. There are things I will hire someone to do, but even that took a little doing for me to work up the courage to do.
Over three (his 2-4) deployments, I have learned when I need to call customer service, how to complain and be heard, how to pitch a fit when being overly solicitous and kind didn't work, how to push buttons and smack things into working, and how to hire people to do the things Chad would if he were home.
Taking the steps to take care of things myself is scary. I don't want to become so independent I don't need him, but I need to be independent enough that I don't have to need him, I can just want to.
My Dependasaurus is in hibernation. Tonight I recklessly cleaned the fridge out of significantly past their expiration date dairy products and took out the trash. But I only sighed looking at the stack of cardboard boxes in the garage, full of toys to be sorted, and the boxes of products waiting to be registered or put away dotting the foyer and living room. It is hard sometimes to face the daunting tasks emotionally, as if I am putting him away or outgrowing him by becoming independent, but I know he needs to know I can become the person I need to when he is away. And rest assured, I will save plenty of weeding and gardening to make sure he feels completely missed and needed.
No comments:
Post a Comment