Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Day 225: Peek-a-boo

As you've been reading, this past week was not the best for my little Punkin Doodle. She screamed every time I put her down or walked into another room. Last night, I was so tired I thought I was going to cry. I went into the kitchen to put her unfinished bottle into the fridge and she started the sobbing, trying to pull up on the ottoman I use to block the pass, so to speak. I quickly ran back into the room and yelled, "Peek-a-boo!" It took her a minute to change gears, but she did smile. So I deliberately moved out of her eyesight and said peek-a-boo repeatedly from behind the ottoman, the doorway and eventually through the pass through window into the kitchen. After a few times, I was able to finally walk into the kitchen and wash a dish, let the dog in, etc. without a complete meltdown.

After the past eight months of being a parent, I have realized again and again that God is trying to teach me to be more positive. Every time I get negative out of fear, exhaustion, desperation, frustration and I let that negativity make me cry or scream or just get angry, the baby responds by getting angrier, louder, more fearful. But when I can take a step back, find a way to spin the energy and be ridiculously positive, she responds by calming down, smiling, laughing or just taking a deep breath. She is a very obvious reflection of myself.

She can't handle my anger or impatience. Whatever her pain or fears are, when she senses any anger or instability from me, she becomes more frightened and unsettled. As long as I am in control and smiling, her ability to adapt and overcome is infinitely better. No matter how I justify my meltdowns, and I know having emotions is necessary, they are not healthy for her.

As a sane, reasonable adult, I understand that a screaming baby can make anyone cry or get angry. I understand that I need to be able to feel frustrated, angry, tired, and even overwhelmed. Yet, when I allow those emotions to overcome my judgment, it doesn't help the baby. I have to show her my calmest self, demonstrate that nothing is too much not to laugh about.

Funny how when I try to fake happiness with her, it quickly turns both of our moods around. When I finally slept enough to be able to give her my best, I was able to laugh at her antics and turn her moods upside down. A simple game of peek-a-boo helped her see my temporary absence as a game. Time and time again, God is showing me how attitude really is a choice, no matter the circumstances and that the one thing I can give a child in my home is a peaceful, positive attitude and a love for Him.

Funny how running mascara and peek-a-boo, can remind me to be a better person and to really call someone for help when I can't be.

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