I don't know what to say today. I have been given a strange gift/curse in this army life. I get to be married and "enjoy" being single often, although the single mom aspect has made that an entirely different challenge. I get to explore who I am as a person and not have to worry about pleasing someone else or checking in with anyone and the next year I get to be all about being a wife.
It makes for a crazy duality in my life. I was kind of already a study in opposites. I am very structured, but in the right mood, am also willing to be crazy spontaneous, hop in the car and drive to Canada spontaneous. The best part of that adventure was all the crazy stuff that went horribly wrong, like letting me navigate using only state maps, not an atlas. I took that trip very pre-gps in my college days. We didn't make it to Canada, but to the northernmost point of Wisconsin and had some fun along the way.
I am very serious and deep, but love to relax and laugh. I am crazy creative, but need routine. I am a study in opposites. My husband is the same way. He is totally tight Wranglers and cowboy boots, then Abercrombie & Fitch and then Armani and Kenneth Cole. Based on the amount of laundry he generates, he might pull off all three looks in a day. He is the kind of guy comfortable at a keg party drinking cheap beer one day and at a four star restaurant the next ordering an aged Merlot.
Maybe our duality allows us to live this half-life in a way many people can't. We can appreciate the time we have together and be totally in that moment and also find ways to survive during the times we are apart. I can appreciate holding him and falling asleep by his side, but I quit being the sleep neatly on my side of the bed girl a long time ago. I not only took over the middle, but completely changed sides. I sleep mostly on his side or in the middle. I am trying to even out the mattress, but for me, that little change would normally be a big deal. I am not so much a fan of change.
Maybe it is just my eternal optimist side trying to find the bright side of all these deployments. I hate the separation. The long times apart just have a way of feeling like forever sometimes. Around month five, it starts feeling like I don't remember what it is like to have him home. It is really hard emotionally to deal with the guilt of being able to live my life without missing him every single second and the pain when missing him does all of a sudden smack me right across the heart. Again, opposites.
Most military wives I know would completely agree with that description. I feel fine, together, not too lonely and all of a sudden, it is like my world caved in and I don't know how to get through the next minute without him. I think our strength as a couple is loving each other enough to cling tightly when we can, let go when we need space and maintain our hold across oceans.
I definitely would agree with you. There is a duality in our lives, but also in the lives of our spouses. I was very independent when I met my hubby and I am independent now, but when he's here I definitely rely on him for a lot of things.
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